Why Are Guys Afraid of Getting Married Even After Being in a Serious Relationship?

Many people are afraid of formalizing a romantic relationship. They fear getting married. Especially men, but nowadays women too. Where does this come from? What is it based on? What can help us deal with it?

Take the following case study, a story of a couple who lived together for three years, shared a home and their lives. There were surely ups and downs in the relationship, but overall it was excellent. The relationship started heading toward becoming more formal, but the more marriage was discussed, the more the man started to get cold feet. He would disappear from time to time, until eventually, he left completely. After a short while he asked to return, but on condition that there would be no talk of marriage. He loves the woman, wants to be with her, and is willing to continue as they had been before they starting talking marriage.

What is the source of this man's difficulty with committing to a relationship? There are all sorts of commitments men take on in life, such as in work and business, so what is the problem with marriage?

We do not feel other commitments as lasting forever, whereas marital commitment seems inescapable. It can feel like shackles are being put on us, that we enter a kind of inner prison that we cannot exit.

By nature, a man always remains a child. Just like in childhood, he feels good when he is free. His mother looks at him with love, and he runs to play in the yard, enjoying himself. At some point he returns home, she prepares him food, washes his clothes, does everything for him. That is what he calls home, i.e., at any moment he can go wherever he wants, run away, have fun, get dirty in the mud, come back, and he is always received warmly.

Here, in the described case, as long as there was no talk of marriage, the man felt that he had some kind of freedom, that the door behind him remained open. Suddenly, it was about to close and turn into a wall, a barrier. That scared him terribly. It is a kind of psychological block, that if we cross it, maybe afterward we get used to the new reality and can live that way, but there are those who feel that it is the end of the world.

It should be noted that in ancient cultures, men went out hunting, did masculine activities, and lived full lives outside the home, and even after marriage would take more wives. This all contributed to the feeling that they were free, that they were not entering a dungeon.

Women might have difficulty understanding this, because they are built completely differently. By nature, a woman wants to feel she belongs, to have a husband, to be his. Precisely in connecting to a man, she finds wholeness. But today, this too is changing. There are more and more women who prefer not to marry.

The modern person, man or woman, looks at life and says to themselves: “Why should I invest at least twenty years in raising children? To give them my whole life, only for them to barely look at me later, as we see in so many cases? No thanks, I have better things to do with my life.” Today's era is that of the overblown ego. The world offers so many temptations instead of diapers, classes, and endless worries. If women once found comfort in building a family, today it is seen as something that comes at the expense of a career, self-fulfillment, growth, and development.

So people tell themselves: why marry? If we are happy, we will stay together; if not, we will move on to the next stop. And if we do feel a desire for a child, today there are many models for fulfilling that desire without marrying and committing to a relationship.

Thus arises the question: is there anything that can be done to strengthen the desire for marriage, for children, for family? Or is that it, and humanity is on the way to shutting down the whole business?

It all begins and ends with the influence of the environment. We are social creatures by nature, and tend to think and act as is customary in society. If we change the general social attitude toward supporting romantic and family relationships, then there is hope.

Broadly speaking, the next stage in the evolution of such relationships is tied to the overall evolutionary trend of the human species toward full integration. Just as all of nature around us is interconnected in mutuality and creates a wonderful web of life, so too must we, the human species, function out of our own choice and awareness.

Tomorrow’s world is a more connected one, and we as humans will need to upgrade our ability to connect with one another in order to live harmonious and peaceful lives. As we head to more integration, the couple and family unit will serve as a home laboratory for carrying out this upgrade, and specifically within this unit will we find the ability to break through our perceptual limitations, i.e., to be free on a completely new level, and to discover whole worlds that are full of pleasure and enjoyment. From this, the love for a partner and children will assume a much higher quality. As it is written, "Man and woman," if they merit it, "and the Divine Presence between them." That is how this sublime connection is described in sources of wisdom.

An immediate tip for strengthening the connection between man and woman, based on an understanding of nature, is that a woman should give the man a feeling that she is like a mother to him. That is, she relates to him out of complete love. Her pleasure is to see him happy, blooming, and unrestrained. On her part, she will help in every way possible, and thanks to her devotion, he can be free and happy. With such an attitude, the man will feel like a baby next to her who always checks, “Where’s Mom?” “I can’t be without her.”

Additionally, it is important to create a warm connection with the man’s family, assuming he is close to them of course, as well as with his circle of friends. Go visit and invite them over, buy gifts, look after their well-being, cook, bake, and pamper them wholeheartedly. The goal is for those close to the man to feel the woman is near, a part of them, and then they will be the ones to encourage him to formalize the relationship, to have children, and more. This is how a woman builds her family within his family.

In short, it is always worth remembering that we are social beings, and therefore if we want to change something in someone, the smartest move is to first bring about change in their environment.

Based on episode 24 of "New Life" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.