How Can Parents Pass Life's Wisdom to Their Children?
As parents, our role is to pass on wisdom for life to our children. What tools can help us carry out this task in the best possible way?
First of all, it is important to get ourselves accustomed to talking as much as possible in the child’s presence. We should describe our thoughts out loud and express what is going through our minds regarding everything we encounter, so that the child can understand our dilemmas, what considerations we take into account, what we are cautious about, our attitude toward different situations, why we decide to act in a certain way, and so on. It is preferable that this speech not be direct, that is, not presented as something we are saying specifically to the child, but more in the style of a wise friend who constantly gives voice to their thoughts.
For example, when we sit down to eat, we can say something like: “This glass—I’d better move it away from the edge of the table so it doesn’t break. And this fork has sharp prongs, so I shouldn’t wave it around because I might scratch myself or someone sitting next to me.” The way we speak should be suited to the child’s age and level, at a pace and in language they can understand, and we should pay attention to whether they are following us.
We should talk as we carry out our various activities. In addition, we should express our opinions about what we see and hear. In this way, the child becomes included in our thinking and gradually absorbs our approach to everything in life. Often, this will spare us the need to give them commands such as, “Do this, and you’re not allowed to do that,” or to impose artificial boundaries on them. They themselves will become capable of understanding what is worthwhile to do and what is better to avoid, and this ability to discern will serve them throughout their lives.
When driving with an older child, for example, we can explain: “We need to turn right soon, so I’m signaling now. I’m checking the mirror to make sure there’s no one behind me, looking ahead and seeing that the road is clear. Now I can turn safely.”
From a broader perspective, our task is to explain that life has laws and limitations, on the road, in society, and throughout nature. We adults are also subject to limitations, and we are obligated to observe them. A person cannot simply do whatever comes to mind without taking the laws into consideration. Those who break them suffer. Those who observe them save themselves from problems.
Another familiar scene is going grocery shopping with a child who reaches for every piece of candy they see. How should we handle the situation? We can buy them something tasty and healthy to eat that will last throughout our time in the store, but even more importantly, we can turn the shopping process into a fascinating learning experience.
Explain out loud why you are buying meat, fish, eggs, and cheese, what varieties there are, and how they differ. Ask the child to help: “Now we need to find parsley. Parsley is a vegetable with small green leaves. Please go and look for it in the vegetable section.” Make the child your partner in the process of finding and choosing things. Whenever possible, explain where each fruit and vegetable grows, what it contributes to our bodies, and why it is important for children and adults to eat them.
Describe the ingredients needed to prepare a cake, meatballs, soup, or anything else the child enjoys. Explain how much each item costs, how things are weighed and the final price calculated, how the total bill is worked out, and how the groceries are packed. Explain why it is worthwhile to prepare a shopping list at home in advance and how you try to manage the family budget wisely. In this way, you can transform grocery shopping from a battle over another piece of candy into a lesson in zoology, botany, nutrition, and household economics all at once.
Personal example is also extremely important and has a powerful influence on children. Suppose we want to instill good sleeping habits in a young child. We can come into their room, lie down, and say: “I’m going to sleep now because it gives me the strength to wake up tomorrow morning full of energy and happiness. Would you like to sing a lullaby together?” And we lie down, sing, and go to sleep. After several days like this, we will probably see the child lying down on their own, singing to themselves, and falling asleep.
Sometimes, when trying to get a child to do something or stop doing something else, parents use threats: “If you don’t do this, you won’t get... If you don’t stop, you’ll be punished...” But the method of threats can work to some extent only while the child is young and dependent on us. Once they grow a little older and become more independent, there is a good chance they will simply begin to ignore us.
A child who constantly hears “You’re not allowed,” and encounters many restrictions and threats, does not understand why they should observe these boundaries or how those boundaries benefit them. Accordingly, they cannot intelligently evaluate what they see around them, analyze what is better or worse for them, or develop their own critical judgment and worldview.
Of course, there are dangerous situations in which we will be obligated to restrict our children, sometimes even physically, in order to ensure their safety and healthy development. Therefore, wise parents are those who learn to find the golden mean, the middle path between friendship and expressions of love on the one hand, and the exercise of authority and restriction on the other.
Good luck!
Based on "New Life 209 – Parenting Teenagers, Part 2" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.