How Can I Learn How to Love?
“Love is a pet that you raise together at home; you have to feed it every day.” A short sentence with great wisdom, the essence of the code for positive human connection.
By nature, a person needs love. Beyond basic necessities such as food, clothing, and shelter, what gives a person vitality and enables them to develop properly is, first and foremost, an attitude of love. This is true on the interpersonal level and on the level of society as a whole. If we define developing love for others as our highest goal, we will be able to break through together to a new level of existence.
In practical terms, the integral approach to education teaches us how to build a connection of love. The method is based on studying human nature, the nature of the world, and the principles of positive human connection. It is practiced within a small group, and the main tool used is called a “connection workshop.” Essentially, it is a discussion conducted according to special rules that enable the participants to become included in one another: everyone is equal, everyone is important, everyone is listened to, and no one rejects what others say but only adds to it. Gradually, a shared field of a positive force forms among the participants, and everyone draws nourishment from it. They gain insights and acquire wisdom for life.
The integral approach to education explains that when a person learns to develop an attitude of love toward someone, that attitude fills the person themselves. Do you remember your first love? Did we receive the response we dreamed of receiving from that girl or boy? Not exactly, but that did not diminish the intensity of the feeling. What filled us was our loving attitude toward them. We enjoyed having thoughts about them, longings for them, and subtle inner inclinations toward them.
How does this work? Unlike self-love, which confines us within our individual vessels of perception that experience lack and limitation, love for others takes us into a space where there are no limitations. The aspiration to fill others with all that is good connects us to them and opens up the possibility of discovering through them more and more fulfillment, enjoyment, and pleasure.
Accordingly, a good relationship is a mutual connection based on “Love your neighbor as yourself.” In other words, whatever would make us happy is what we need to do for those with whom we want to build a relationship. We should each try to feel the other, see what they lack, and fill that lack, to give them a feeling of warmth, confidence, affection, an embrace, and peace.
Without giving an attitude of love, we will also be unable to feel love. This is a law of nature. In order to be capable of receiving another person’s love toward us, we must first develop a feeling of love within ourselves. Step by step, we learn to play upon the strings of love, to fill the inner empty spaces of our partners, and to connect at the level of the soul.
If we truly progress, then at some point a cold wind comes and enters between us. Suddenly, we no longer feel connected to our partner. We have had enough, we are tired, we have no desire or strength to express any kind of attitude toward them. They simply do not interest us. We have other things in life to worry about.
What happened? Where did this come from? What is it for?
This is nature’s way of pushing our relationship toward its next level of development. The cooling of the relationship is “help against him,” an invitation to awaken greater love. It is like flirting, like a dance, where we move apart and draw closer, repeatedly. Life brings coldness into our relationships, and our role is to recognize it and help one another draw closer despite the rejection and friction.
We talk about what we are feeling now, why it is happening to us, and try to understand our partners and help them overcome these states. “Love covers all transgressions,” the sages said. In this context, a transgression is any form of egoistic attitude that emerges and creates distance between us.
Group support is very important in this process. One couple will find it difficult to sustain this alone over time, because when the ego intensifies, reason disappears. Group connection workshops remind each participant of the principles taught by the integral approach to education, while sharing examples from the lives of others strengthens everyone.
It is also important to know that love is not something static, it cannot stand still. Every day and every moment, we need to fall in love anew. Every empty space that we fill is followed by the revelation of new empty spaces, new opportunities for connection and excitement.
And the loving person, to sum things up—loving their partner, others, and the whole of reality in ever-expanding circles—is the one whose life overflows with abundance. They feel paradise. A higher life.
Based on "New Life 200 – How to Fall in Love Every Day Anew" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.