What Should We Do to Be Good Parents?
Before getting behind the wheel, we have to pass a theory test, take driving lessons, and pass a practical test. Before traveling abroad, we go through security screening and passport control. But before having children, there is no preparation whatsoever to teach us what it means to be parents. Apparently, there is nothing more natural than having children and raising them, yet in practice, life shows us that this comes with a great many problems. What do we need to know today in order to function as good parents?
A family is a miniature society. If we know how to build a happy family, we will ensure our children’s success outside the home as well, at school and throughout their lives. Unlike previous generations, when success in life was personal and individualistic, today the world is changing. In the interconnected world of tomorrow, the main condition for success will be the ability to positively connect with people. Those who know how to create good connections between people will achieve great success. The most important art of all will be building a family-like connection wherever we are, a connection in which people help each other, complement one another, become included in one another, and thereby succeed together.
Accordingly, the wisdom of connection teaches us how to develop this ability in the family. One of the main tools it offers is a family connection workshop. This should be a regular gathering, at least once a week, and this time should be considered sacred to us. To create a pleasant atmosphere, it is worthwhile to prepare something tasty to eat, but it should not take all our attention, because the main thing is the exchange between us, speaking and listening.
Each family member, in turn, shares with the others a particular experience they had during the week and asks to hear their opinions about it. It could be something that happened to them, something that is troubling them, and so on. While they tell their story, we all listen attentively and want to feel what they are feeling. Afterward, each of the other family members expresses their opinion on the matter, and we try to formulate a shared family perspective. Even if we do not arrive at any particular solution, our goal is to develop a shared feeling regarding what is happening to each of us.
If, for example, our young daughter tells us about something that happened to her, we all try to enter into her feelings, participate in her story, and through this help her understand how to relate optimally to what she experienced, how to balance emotion and reason, and how to take a broader view. We do not approach her like teachers addressing a student, but more like experienced friends who are a year or two older than she is. We do not preach to her, but approach her from the heart, to help, support, offer a shoulder, and give good advice. We try to dress ourselves in her, to feel her, to come down to her level, while bringing our own understanding of the solution.
When we do this time and again, she will begin to understand and feel why we think the way we do, where such thoughts come from, and what they are based on. She will learn our way of thinking, our considerations, and how we balance emotion with reason and vice versa. It is as though we take her, embrace her, and gently guide her through our thoughts and feelings. We want to let her see the situation a little through our eyes and then leave her to it. We do not pressure her or force her to think or feel as we do. Through this, she will gradually learn to participate herself in what another person is going through, something that is usually very difficult for young children.
As a family member who has shared an experience with everyone, I become included in my parents’ perspective on the situation and in the point of view of my brothers or sisters. I see how they listen to me wholeheartedly, try to feel me, understand exactly what happened, express concern, and are happy to help. When I tell them what I went through, they take an interest, ask questions, give advice, and try to help me express myself and “bring out” my story. We discuss the entire matter together, consider different sides, and examine it from every angle. Gradually, a shared feeling, understanding, and attitude form between us, which we have built as a family in relation to each situation that we each bring to the family gathering.
Through such sharing, we will begin to feel that a kind of common space has formed between us, which we experience as “our family.” A family is not merely a biological connection or living under the same roof, but precisely what we have now built together. We want this warm shared feeling to accompany us throughout the week until our next gathering. Each time, we renew the family feeling, strengthen and expand it, and give it additional dimensions and new forms.
In addition to the family discussions described above, it is also highly recommended to sing together. Make sure you have the words in front of you. The goal is to develop connection, complement one another, listen to the voices of the others, and pay attention to the rhythm. Singing together will teach us how to connect. It is also recommended to play games together that require us to complement one another, such as building blocks, puzzles, Lego, and similar activities.
From an early age, it is important to emphasize that building the family depends on each and every member. Just as Mom and Dad bring home money, food, clothing, and security, the children also need to contribute their part. They should invest effort in their studies, behave well, tidy their rooms, take part in household chores, and so on. Not because they are obligated to, but because through this kind of participation we build the connection between us called “family.”
The feeling of family will give us an anchor in life, a sense of belonging. A supportive environment will enable each family member to identify and realize the unique potential within them. A child who grows up in such a family will feel calm and secure. From time to time, their understanding, which includes both emotion and reason, will broaden. They will be more developed and wiser than other children their age, capable of seeing further ahead. The fact that they repeatedly become included in the perspectives of those older than themselves will give them a broader and deeper outlook, grounded in rich life experience.
The family exercises will develop the child’s ability to feel others. They will know how to dress themselves in other people, read them, and understand what motivates them. They will more easily recognize whom it is worthwhile to approach and whom it is better to stay away from. Beyond that, the goodness they project will help them encounter fewer problems. The constant support they receive from the family will make it possible to identify emerging problems quickly, help them overcome those problems, and strengthen them. They will feel that someone has their back, that they have somewhere to return to, a safe place where they are understood and always welcomed with love.
Such a child will find it easier to succeed in school. They will develop the ability to listen, participate, absorb the material, communicate comfortably with teachers and other students, and pay attention to who says what and how. They will be open to connection and learning. Also, scientific thinking will come more easily to them. They will see how one thing connects to another because they themselves have learned how to be connected. They will be more focused, less hyperactive, more patient, and therefore more successful.
We are living in a special time in which the world is becoming increasingly interconnected. Everyone is interdependent and mutually influential. In such a reality, the greatest asset we can give our children is the ability to connect positively with others. This is the essence of the wisdom of life in the 21st century. When they leave the embrace of the family and enter the wider world, they will have a tool for building connection and positive relationships. Wherever they go, they will know how to create a family-like connection with others, how to express their opinions and how to listen, and how to become included with everyone. This will bring them great success, both in their social lives and in the families they will build for themselves in the future.
Based on "New Life 205 – The Role of the Parent, Part 1" and "New Life 206 – The Role of the Parent, Part 2" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.