How Can Parents Improve Teenage Relationships?
Communication between parents and teenagers is one of life’s more complex challenges. From the time a child is born until they go out into the world as an independent adult, we need to accompany them through a process in which they receive all kinds of impressions from life, along with explanations of how to relate to them healthily. Sometimes we might be wrong, and we should be aware of this and talk about it with the child, so they learn that anyone can make mistakes, that everyone can examine themselves at any moment and change their course.
From a broader perspective, our world is full of goodness, but life is difficult because people do not know how to relate to one another. Therefore, the desired outcome of the educational process is for the child to feel and understand that the solution to every problem can be found in positive human connection. If such a perspective is built within the child, they will try to establish good, positive relationships with others wherever they go and use every situation as an opportunity to build complementary connections. This will place them on a secure path toward success and illuminate their way through life.
Within family life, it is worthwhile to establish a regular framework of family conversations that build connection, in which everyone can share what they are going through, bring up matters for consultation, and hear a variety of opinions.
During adolescence, it is important for teenagers to feel that their parents are close to them. To achieve this, the parents need to enter into their situation and help them communicate with them as they would with trusted friends. If the parents know how to explain the impulses that drive people, analyze different situations together, and examine different kinds of relationships, then the teenagers will come to see the parents as helpful guides.
It is important that the parents do not criticize anyone or hurt either their children or their friends. Instead, they should try to develop as objective a view of human nature as possible. A good examination enables a person not only to remain inside their emotions, but also to step outside them, to observe themselves and others from the side and understand why people feel and act in particular ways in different situations.
Developing such an analytical ability requires practice, and it would be very worthwhile for this practice to take place not only at home but also in educational institutions. Let us consider the classroom as a kind of social laboratory. For example, the class could be asked to tell a story involving relationships between several characters. After the story is presented, everyone analyzes it together: Why did each character act as they did? What did they feel? What were they thinking? What response did they receive? And so on.
The goal is to understand why people behave in one way or another. What drives them from within to behave precisely as they do? What are the underlying causes of the results we see on the surface? In this exercise, students can also present stories connected to their own lives, without explicitly saying so, of course. Writing the story is challenging, the group analysis is fascinating, and gradually they develop the ability to distinguish between two aspects within a person: the natural impulses operating within and the behavior that results from those impulses.
A more advanced version of this exercise could present the following task: 1) Write a story—the visible scenario and sequence of events. 2) Write what was supposedly happening beneath the surface: the impulses, thoughts, personality traits, and previous relationships between the characters. 3) Look at yourself personally and try to identify which inner qualities caused you to analyze and interpret the events specifically as you did.
Exercises like these will help teenagers explore human nature in general and become familiar with their own nature as well. They can examine who they are, how they are built, how they relate to others, why they act as they do, and what drives them from within.
Gradually, they will discover what causes them suffering and what gives them pleasure, what exactly they are pursuing and what they fear. This will lead them to examine values, good and bad, truth and falsehood, and the meaning of life. In this way, the adolescent years can become a significant stage of development in which the young person shapes the inner spirit that will guide them throughout life.
As for the relationship between teenagers and their younger siblings, it is worthwhile for their parents to make the teenager their partner in educating them. This gives the teenager a sense of importance, respect, and appreciation. The parents should speak about this openly and as equals, asking the teenagers to participate with them in the task. After all, the parents are a role model for the younger children, who will naturally and easily absorb examples from them. The parents can explain the challenges they face and plan together how to approach them.
The position of being a partner is very important, and consulting with teenagers will build closeness between the teenagers and the parents. It is also worthwhile to consult with them about things happening in their own relationships, at work, with friends, neighbors, or relatives. "What do you think? What is your opinion? Do you have an idea about how to solve this problem?" The more teenagers see that the parents share their dilemmas, doubts, and difficulties, value their opinions, and regard them as wise advisers, the easier it will be for them to share what they are going through in their own lives.
Good communication with teenagers, and good communication in general, should take place on an equal level. It should be communication that builds connection, based on the desire to complement and help one another in every way possible.
Based on "New Life 219 – Communication Between Parents and Teens" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.