How Should Shame and Appreciation Be Used in Raising Children?
When we are shamed, we feel erased. When we are appreciated, we flourish. Why are we built this way? How should shame and appreciation be used in raising children?
We are made of a fundamental substance called the desire to receive pleasure and enjoyment, the ego. This desire develops according to our age and environment: Mom, Dad, family, kindergarten, school, and so on. We always want to keep ourselves in the best possible state in relation to those around us. First of all, we want to ensure that our ego is not hurt, and shame is the most powerful form of such injury, and then we want to receive as much appreciation as possible.
From a broader perspective, life is a continuous series of calculations about how much effort it is worthwhile for us to invest and what we will receive in return. Ultimately, everything is always calculated according to the same egoistic formula: maximum gain for minimum effort.
The environment also defines our values and boundaries. It determines what is considered more respectable and what is considered less so, what is completely unacceptable, and what will cause me great shame. For example, if someone belongs to a criminal organization and suddenly decides to refrain from committing a particular crime, they will probably be severely shamed for it. Everything depends on the environment. It leads us wherever it wishes, using the two reins of shame and appreciation.
As parents, our goal is to instill good values in our children, and this begins with the smallest things. According to the child’s age and level of understanding, we need to show them gently what we consider good and what we consider bad.
The most effective way to build such a perception in a child is to continually explain why we do what we do, share our thoughts with them, tell them about things that happen to us, the decisions we make, and the considerations behind them. It is recommended to have family discussions at home, to consult with one another, and to examine things together.
Through all of this, our children will develop an approach to life and an ability to critically evaluate the environments they encounter outside the home. This will help them look at things from an independent point of view and avoid being automatically drawn in negative directions simply because everyone else is doing the same.
It is very important to develop in a child the ability to feel others. The more capable they are of putting themselves in another person’s place, feeling what others feel and think instead of only themselves, the better they will know how to navigate their way through life.
For example, children have a natural tendency to laugh at flaws they see in others. They do not feel the pain they cause the other person by doing so, only the pleasure of knowing that they themselves do not have that flaw. Role-playing can help here. We can ask them to put themselves in the position of someone else who comes along and makes fun of them. This will build a kind of immunity in them against such behavior and help them avoid shaming others.
Consider the following as an example case: Two brothers went on an outing with a large group of friends. During the trip, one irritated the other, and a silly argument developed between them. Later that day, the first brother ran out of water, and the second refused to let him drink from his own supply, even though he had plenty. When they returned home that afternoon, the brother who had not drunk enough had a headache and felt weak, so he immediately went to lie down. Their older sister heard from him what had happened during the day and told their parents when they returned from work that evening.
The question is whether we should approach the other brother directly and say, “You should be ashamed of yourself! How could you refuse to give your brother something to drink?!” Or perhaps there is something else we should do instead?
The principle that should guide us here is called “recognition of evil.” In order to develop, the child needs to recognize the bad within, on their own. If we confront them and say, “What kind of behavior is that?!”, they will feel that we are the bad ones, not them. We can therefore approach the matter from another angle. We treat the child as usual, as though nothing happened, and ask for their help: “Your brother isn’t feeling well, and we need to take care of him. We’ll start preparing something for him to eat. In the meantime, please take him this cup of tea. You should also check his temperature.” After a while, we ask the child to bring their brother some food in bed, see how he is feeling, and so on. We do not say a word about what happened between them on the trip, as though it had never happened.
Several days later, we can tell the children about something similar that happened to us or to someone we knew when we were young. We can describe that incident in considerable detail, let them ask questions, and explore the feelings, thoughts, and reactions involved. On other occasions, we can watch a movie or read a story that presents a similar situation, discuss it together, and see what can be learned from it. Through this indirect approach, we neutralize the children’s defensive mechanism that causes them to justify themselves when accusations are directed at them, shuts them down, and prevents them from developing new perspectives. Such a process of gradual examination will build deep discernments within them that can serve them throughout their lives.
As for appreciation, from an early age, it is worthwhile to show children that we regard them as grown-ups. To do this, we can share various dilemmas with them, consult with them about different matters, and ask for their opinions. Such appreciation and such an attitude on our part will awaken in them a sense of participation and responsibility, and contribute greatly to their development.
A final word about education. It is always worth remembering that children’s behavior is a result of the examples we have shown them. Children are not impressed by beautiful words, but by what they see around them, day after day.
Based on "New Life 210 – Shame and Appreciation in Families" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.