A Talk with Dr. Michael Laitman

A New life

Talks on the adolescence

Talk 219

Oren: Hello thank you for being with us in the "New Life" educational series with Dr. Michael Laitman. Hello everyone, hello Nitzah Mazos. Together, we want to learn from Dr. Laitman how to live a new life, a life with better relations between us in which we will feel each other, understand one another and be able to create happiness between us. We will get up in the morning, be happy to be alive. People love us, we will love them and instead of our world being difficult and depressing, it will be thriving, filled with happiness and we will all grow towards the sun. To take these concepts into realty each time, we examine another aspect of our life and learn how to improve relationships within it. Be with us now, as there will be a lot to take from this program. Nitzah, take us into the focus of our program today.

Nitzah: So maybe we will begin with a few words about the things you spoke about in the previews show because it really changed our prospective as parents. First of all, we understand what is going on with our teenagers, and it was very important for us to understand. We understand that during childhood, they go through a process where they are absorbing all kinds of situations and images, and are gradually learning to differentiate between good and bad through this program, this explanation that we gave.

And now in this show, we really want to focus on the subject of communication between us. We understand what is in a child, what he is going through and that our communication with him is definitely changing, it is going to be different if we are used to a person, and now we suddenly see that there this disconnection and distance as the kid is going inside himself. He does not care what we have to say. I want to see how we as parents, can obtain the tools or some understanding of how we create communications that will advance our child to the next stage in the best possible manner.

Dr. Laitman: But, we are also wanting to be in some type of a workshop between us all of the time we are integrated with one another. This is so we are not suddenly discovering that he is becoming the one determining his path and standing out. For us, it should not be a surprise, since we are aware of it and we expect it.

Again, if we understand the entire process that we need to go through with him, then all those years, from the time he is born until he goes out independently into the world, he actually needs to get all kinds of impressions from life. He needs to get an explanation of how to relate to them correctly and as objectively as possible.

Maybe we also make mistakes, are aware of this and we are thanking him and talking to him about the fact that everyone makes mistakes and everyone changes. He needs to have the ability to check it like this and like that, but at the end of the day, he needs to understand that the solution is never within him, nor in others. Rather, the entire result of the correct education is for the child to understand that only in the connection between people, is where the truth and the solution exists. That is called that we succeeded in education.

And if he knows our world is full of opportunities, things that we can transform from good to bad and bad to good, and that everything depends on a good connection between people. As we see now, the world is full of opportunities, there is a lot of everything, so why is the world so bad? Because people cannot connect between them and use everything that they have correctly. We are doing this like in a family, where there is everything, but if the relationships are bad, there is nothing worse than that and the opposite.

So, he needs to feel this and needs to build a system according to that. if he has it, then in every direction that he goes, he will be able to arrange himself, have a good attitude to life, and be able to arrange the correct connection between people. He will be able to explain to them upon what their good relations, their good development is dependent on, and how you take the good things out of every situation in life. He must take advantage of the worse things, not for himself but for everyone, Therefore, this is the studying, the education that we need to convey to him.

Nitzah: Okay, now as a mother I notice an interesting phenomenon. Let us say I put my family through some process and we are used to carrying out these discussions, these family discussions. But I notice that my older one is starting to distance himself from the family discussions. He is locking himself in his room, closing himself off in his room and he prefers his friends over his family. He is starting to change and he wants to participate less. The question is what attitude should I have towards these changes that I see in front of me?

Dr. Laitman: I think that we need to talk once in a while and invite him, not to a conversation, but to talk. What does he think about this, what does he think about that, what is happening here, and what is happening there? it should be l normal part in the relationship between us, that each family member is giving an example of what is happening to him and if the child is used to this, I do not think he will run far away from it. Because altogether, he has a place where he can express himself and maybe not get a reaction, even though he used to it, but wants that to happen.

Nitzah: if he is not used to it then it is difficult.

Dr. Laitman: It is a problem that shows up before the age of adolescence, so we must talk in as open a way as possible and relate to him as an equal.

Nitzah: So, in other words, if I am a parent that began this course, this process not so long ago, and I have a maturing child in the house who is not used to all of this talking. Now I want to bring it into the home, so you mean I need to anticipate that it will be slightly more difficult than if I started him out with this at a younger age. But still, are there some tips, some special tools for me to be in better communication with him?

Dr. Laitman: I do not know if members of the same family are really capable of this, because if it was not there before, that it is a sign that you did not prepare yourself. So what are you going to do now, if you are not ready? First of all, the parents need to be educated and then the kids. Therefore, here the problem is that we need to somehow turn the environment around, wrap the child in an atmosphere that will stabilize him, give him values, abilities and opportunities, to talk and receive knowledge out of it. In some manner, he needs to be in some communication with the correct environment. If it is not the parents nor the friends, then in must be in some other manner.

How to do this? We have to try to do it and hope we succeed with teen's through our activities. I think that here we have to simply develop what the children are interested in and what urges they have. We need to arrange in them those same forms that they want, but the forms we need to bring to them to discuss, to talk, and to connect to something are forms that will develop them and give them the correct description and explanation of all these impressions that they have. I do not see any other form except building the environment. It could be through sports that we are attracting them and not through talking. We could use sport, field trips or adventures

Nitzah: That is in the framework of the family. I will tell you what I am looking for is the differentiation between the environment of boys and girls at this age, for example, like a scouts ' club and other stuff, or the family framework.

Dr. Laitman: Within the family framework, I do not know, if you say that there was not connection before, we were not so aware and then suddenly I feel that he is independent, he does not want to hear, he does not want to talk and he is closing himself up in his room. I do not think you can suddenly behave properly in such a way that will give you some entry into his private life that he is now developing. it does not appear to me that it will happen

Nitzah: Even despite that I am listening now like I listened to you in the preview shows and it made me aware. I will explain to you what would happen before the show and now.

Before, I felt I was losing control with my adolescents and now I understand that I am not just losing control, but that there is a place of distance that is good, healthy, and is even part of the natural developmental process. All I need to do is not be scared that I am losing control or that he wants to acquire independence. But rather, I see how I can help him do this in the most beneficial way. So after listening for a few meetings, I can definitely be in that place. Of course the idea…

Dr. Laitman: I am not sure about the idea, as there is no one wiser than the experienced, and you heard just one show. Here there needs to be some serious preparation on the parents’ side I am not sure that it is possible, but let us see.

Oren: Let us flow with the process. You said parents need to be educated and that if they have kids and they do not learn how to educate them, then of course there is not going to be a good result, since the parents need to be educated. The point of this show is precisely to educate parents and the parents’ education can be divided into a few categories.

Maybe people will come to you and say they want to learn how to be good parents and educate their kids, but they do not have kids as yet. Let us say there is a young couple and she got pregnant. They see that there are going to have kids. That is one case. So even in this case, you teach every person from a young age how to be parents in the future.

But another situation that happens in reality is that parents come who already have kids of different ages and based on all their problems, they ask you to help them with these issues. For them, that is the parents’ education and now they are getting into conversations that go beyond the things happening inside the house and that are more social. We want to definitely give answers for this very, very big and painful situation that parents have today in dealing with their kids.

Now when they feel there is an issue, it can be from a whole variety of sources. Maybe they have a two-year old, a child who is six and they can maybe have one in the family who is already in adolescence. Now we are trying to focus on understanding how we learn to work with the adolescent in the home. So, it is worth it for us to try to gain insights into what we have learned up until now.

in our first talk about adolescence, we understand what our child is going through when he reaches this age and what changes are happening through childhood to adolescence. Now we feel what is happening in the small soul and we understand what our focus, our goal is as parents and how we relate to him.

Now I want us to try and translate it to practical tools after the ideas are clear to us. We spoke about an adolescent coming out like an actor onto the stage of life and he wants to say, “Here I am, look at me!” And this will be result of everything we did with him previously. Now we want to break it down to what it means from the point of what it is worthwhile to do what not is not worthwhile to do when he is at that age and is transitioning from being a child, and like you said, “absorbed, absorbed, absorbed,” to something active that says, “Here I am, look at me!” This requires making adjustments in our communications to accommodate how he has changed.

So now I think the emphasis has to go in the direction of what the insights mean that we have received. What does this very specific communication mean between the adults and the person growing up in the home? Are there things you would like to point out, such as things we should not do towards him and things which we now have to be careful with, even if we did them when he was a kid. Now we have to be careful not to ruin his self-expression. What should we not do and what can we do now when he reaches adolescence? If we do something wrong, we can really ruin him or limit him.

Dr. Laitman: I do not think there is a difference in how we need to always relate to a child that he is independent, that he has an opinion and we respect his opinion. It can be at the age of 3 or 4 or it can be at the age of 13 or 14. It is really like he needs to feel that we relate to him like a person, and even though we protect him more then ourselves, that is what I meant in my explanation that at a young age, we are always talking with him and explaining all these things that we are doing and how and why. He is also learning and absorbing our point of view and the way we look at life. We are relating to him like he is an independent creature, even from a young age. We do not put him in our pocket and that is that. He feels that he does not know how to talk, he feels how much we are relating to him in the manner that he exists, that he lives and that he is a finished product.This is how it has to be in order to maintain his honor, which is a must.

Another thing we must do is to relate to him all the time. And, if he suddenly starts to close himself up and be within his life, not wanting to talk to us, then it is easy for us to be with him and always maintain contact with him even though he started closing himself up. Here we can develop in our connection onward.

I remember when I was in that age, in adolescence, my mother, who was a gynecologist, spoke to me about all kind of cases that she had at work and now I understand that it was not just from her and we spoke freely. I was not ashamed and I spoke with her about everything that here, I am even embarrassed to talk about these things. She spoke about what happened at work, what happened with people. And,it is was not that she said to be careful because this can happen, or about disease, the police et cetera. She did say those things when I was 14 or 16. She spoke objectively and not towards me directly. It was not really felt that it was directed towards me because she was used to talking about these things previously in the family, about everything she would run into at work, in her research and all kinds of things, problems, and social work, in which she also was involved

So, I would say that I gained experience about all kinds of things through her words, and I think that those things stayed with me throughout my life and up until today. I cannot treat a woman rudely or hit a woman. I am careful what will happen and what can happen in the connections between a man and woman. She put an attitude into me towards a woman, apart from the fact that she was a gynecologist. She gave me some special attitude towards women and girls, and for me it was a very powerful lesson. The way I treated women and the way my friends treated them was very, very different. The way I looked and the way they looked was very different, and when I disconnected at the age of 17 and went to study at a university, hundreds of kilometers away from home, I missed those talks, and not the talks as such, but the impressions and things. I was independent in every way, but still was missed hearing her opinion. I can even tell you that in some cases, where I did not have the ability to behave correctly, I made mistakes and I learned the hard way.

But again, I am saying it really depends. In those days, it was parents and maybe that was enough, but today I am sure that we need the support of the environment and society, a bigger society for older aged kids.

Nitzah: The main reason is because our kids today are exposed to many things.

Dr. Laitman: Yes and it does not matter if they are exposed or not exposed. A person always has to receive instructions, and the fact that they are more exposed to all kinds of influences through their virtual connections and internet communications just gives us more work. That is why the opportunities are so much greater to work with.

Oren: Someone said to me that at this age of adolescence, the person growing up becomes like a mute and does not talk.

Dr. Laitman: Yes that is clear

Nitzah: Why is it clear?

Dr. Laitman: Because they have their own world. Today, what is normal is that instead of the home, the child needs to get what he needs other parts of his world. Because of that, they say, “Leave me alone.” That is the standard today, and that is why they are mute. They tell us, “I have my own life and that is it. You have to supply me with everything, otherwise I will go to the police.” And this is how they speak, since they know their rights. They tell us that we need to supply them with everything and not get into my private life.

Oren: So in this reality, if I want to go through a process of parent's education and that is what I am dealing with, what would you teach me in the course? In the parents course, what tools are we given and with what tools do I approach this situation?

Dr. Laitman: It is a problem.

Oren: I know, that is why I came to the course.

Dr. Laitman: It is our problem because people that want to educate their kids are grabbed in the middle of their life. It is not simple.

Oren: As I said earlier, for parents who come to a parents’ course and who already have kids, what highlights we can start with and give them to deal with, let us say, a child who does not speak.

Nitzah: First of all we need to understand why he is tuning out.

Dr. Laitman: There are a thousand reasons, such as the age itself and the fact that he already wants to be grown up puts him in a situation where he is different from you. He is his own person and he starts putting limits of his own, such as, this is my room, this is all mine, I am closing the door to my room,” and that is what he does.

I rather think that we need to teach and prepare parents well for a conversation with the child that is growing up. And I think that it can possibly depend on the situation, A girl with her father can be good and a son with a mother, because actually, the problem is the connection between male and the female and here the father can talk with the growing girl from the male side, and the mother can talk from the side of the female. She talks from the female side and explains to the son, a girls’ perspective and how they relate to things. The son hears this from her and listens to her because he understands that she is actually passing good knowledge on to him. Whatever he is stuck with, he will understand reality better, because the main problems is with the genders. What is opposite is with the daughter. That is part of the cases, and in some cases, it can be the opposite. And in some cases, it is possible that the mother and father will speak together with a son or daughter. But, we need to get into their situation and help them find communication with us, a connection with us, and to speak with us as if the young person is among his friends

Oren: What? How do we do that as parents?

Dr. Laitman: We need to get closer. We need to get into a discussion with the son or the daughter in such a manner that they will feel in us that they are with friends, that they are in their society and that we can be the loyal friends, but not just loyal friends. We can explain to the boy or girl the urges, situations, and how to analyze every situation. And in every case, we can feel out all these things, these inner things, and discover why it is like this, why is this like that. We can help them know why is he relates to these thing in this way and why we are using the egoistic, simple psychological brain that wants success, control, and exhibits jealousy and greed. He wants all these things and this is how we verify the situation without harming anyone, him or his friends. We are just verifying nature. We just want to bring him to the most objective place in the way that he looks at himself and the way that he looks at others.

Oren: what do you mean not harming anyone?

Dr. Laitman: At the end of the day we want him to see the hand of nature that acts on everyone and this is why they behave just like a doll. The hand of nature is doing all kinds of acts through hormones, verifications, and somehow through some characteristic being revealed. And, according to a person’s nature, how you can pressure him. This is really important that they verify this, and that in this verification, they will be able to not just be in their emotions but also outside their emotions with the understanding why each thing happens.

Oren: What does that mean?

Dr. Laitman: Meaning so I can develop this. Let us say a teacher in school gives them a lesson to talk about the relationships between X Y Z, and not to just talk about them, but to tell a story, and then beneath the story, analyze why they did that, why they think like that, why they got a reaction like this from someone. We want them to understand why people behave like they do and also about themselves. And it should be subjective.

Oren: I do not understand.

Dr. Laitman: And they should also write about themselves, even if they do not say it is them. Let us say that one of them says that they are “Y” and that they write about it as if it is not happening to them. Let us say it is a novel about someone, but still it is a psychological novel that we are trying to carry out and then explain the case in class. We all discuss it in the class and we do not touch anyone with it and we do not point to anyone. But inside we become able to verify things. We have this analytical power to build inside us, so that we can become verifiers and researchers. They become like psychologists, and in that, they see the external form. After that, they can see the reasons behind these forms, like a researcher.

And then we can bring them to write a nice story, a drama about why did this thing happen and who did what to whom. It makes them curious, and the writing makes them interested so they get a deep understanding about what is happening outside. They can each be a real expert about themselves, and ask, “Why is this happening to me?” Each one starts being divided in two, his inner urges and his behavior as a result.

Oren: What are the two parts? As a result from all of these things, this is actually your goal?

Dr. Laitman: Yes, for a person to see that this is my nature, this is how I behave, and therefore this is how I observe from the outside. Meaning I have two layers; my inner nature and my external behavior and the questions is how I can therefore begin to change my behavior towards everyone in the way I wish. Then, between myself and my nature, I have to make some kind of adjustment by using some kind of special tool to show me how I can do this.

I need to manage my nature in order to understand what is good about me, what is bad about me, and what things are changing in order that my behavior will be more desirable. And in this way, I am really becoming a person, not a creature that behaves according to its nature or its urges, so that whatever is pressuring it, it carries it out. And, it is just fear holding him in a direct manner.

But, a person can calculate himself against others to see what is good for him and what is bad for him. First of all, he needs to do this in egoistic manner, then later on, we will put greater goals ahead of him but he will know that for that goal, maybe it is an abstract, spiritual goal ahead. He will then be able to understand what he needs to do with himself to achieve it.

Oren: Let us get in from the other side and look at it from that perspective. If I understand this correctly, there is an exercise that goes like this: let us make up a story about relationships between people. It could even be something that happened to you in life. It does not matter. The main thing is that it has to do with relationships between people and from there, we start analyzing it. We need to understand why each character did what they did, what their urges were, what their behavior was, what it led to etc., and this allows us to develop an ability to critique ourselves from the side.

Dr. Laitman: First of all it is a story, she behaves like this and like this because she wants attention from him and because her friends are like this and his friend are like that, the usual things in society and apart from that, nothing else. And after this story, and after you write the script the way you see it, you write about the urges, what each person thinks that is stems from, each person's character and the merging of the relationships between them and if there are other relationships, sub-relationships behind the scenes that are developed inside a romance, and that it happens because there was other relationships between them like this and like that. Now you ended the story and also the way it happens and how it happens after you did a verification of the relationships between people. Now look at yourself and ask, “why does it appear to me like this?”

Oren: That is the third phase.

Dr. Laitman: Right, because I relate some of them well and to some of them not so well and this appears like this and this appears like that. Why does it appear like this and not like that? Now you also nee to write that these characteristic are good and these are bad. He is my friend and he is good to me and she was always horrible to me and I am interested in her friend, but she is trying to intervene. Write your own things in bullets and it is the story itself as to what is behind each story, and how you look at it.

From there you reach total verification what is really happening. How do you know what is really happening? From verifying all these points you can be quite objective about what is happening out in the field. And then afterward, how we can bring the story to a good conclusion or that we enjoy that we are in all kinds of conflicts. What pleasure do we find in the fact that that we all the time need to cook things up, and why we do not feel alive if nothing happens? Here we need to verify with our peers as to why we care about being in this storm all the time because otherwise we do not feel alive.

So what can we do with this life? Everything is simply continuing, since now we are always doing this homework, meaning we are always verifying who we are, how we relate to others, who we act with, what motivates us, and can we reach solutions like this or like that. How are we enjoying that story? What pleasure do I get from stepping on that person, disregarding that person and everyone saw me do it? Where do we start to get into values and what gives me pleasure? And what makes me suffer?

Gradually by that, I start to develop a new attitude towards what I want to achieve, which is control and nothing else. When a person starts to recognize this, he starts to change. In this world, during these years of maturing, we need to use them as leverage to build verification systems inside a person, because afterward he will not care if you catch him after the age of 20 with all of these things. It is not interesting then, since he is already tired from life, he knows everything and he does not care about anything. Those are the years that he is on fire and the main thing in life for the adolescent is that during this time, we need to build an entire system of verification, within him that helps him in verifying a person's attributes.

Oren: I have a question, if we are doing this at home you said….

Dr. Laitman: I do not think we are capable, this is in the case that we prepare parents really well.

Oren: Hang on a second

Dr. Laitman: This is in a television series, etc.

Oren: We are representing parents, so let us just take this as a basic assumption that we have a desire to learn how to be parents and in our family we have teenagers. What I want to ask is how does this reflect on other kids? Let us say we exercise today, we want to do this story, and let us say there are four phases.

Dr. Laitman: If there are a few kids in the house…

Oren: That is my question.

Dr. Laitman: Then you have to teach the kids how to relate one to the other. That is something really different. You have to explain to the big kid what the situation is with the little kid and how we relate to him. We will take the big one as the third parent, as a partner, and he must know how to relate to the little one, how we are building him, and how we are explaining to him he needs to know these things. He needs to completely be our partner and relate to the little one like we do.

Nitzah: Let us talk about a situation.

Dr. Laitman: Let us say there is a 3 or 4-year old…

Nitzah: Yes.

Dr. Laitman: And there is a 13 or 14-year old. The older child needs to know the method, our educational method toward the little one.

Nitzah: Let us look at it like this. Everything you explained before is how I relate as one mature person to another, one adult to another, to people who are equal to me, let us say myself and my friends. Now you are saying…

Dr. Laitman: Parents are also in there, since they want to be like my friends and they come and talk to me face to face. It can be two or one of them, it can be the other gender, and we spoke of that.

But if we have another child in the home, then it is not just the parents dealing with him, since the little one looks at the big kid like a parent and takes examples from him. So here we need to explain all these things to the older child and what do we need to do with the little one so that he will grow up properly. We need to give him examples and rely on the big one that he will really take this mission, be a good example to the little one and relate to him in a mature way.

Oren: What is the older one’s interest in doing this? As parents, we have an interest and we have another partner in raising the little one, but what interest does the older one have? Will it give him something?

Dr. Laitman: Responsibility and maturity. We relate to him like he is very important as a partner.

Oren: What does it have to do with the fact that he wants to express his own personality?

Dr. Laitman: Towards the little one, he does not have a personality.

Nitzah: Let us say I am the teenager and I am always moving forward in learning and expressing myself, developing and…

Dr. Laitman: You are really making him into a big person, more responsible and even more important than you. You are asking him do this and this is aimed towards the little one, because he will be learning from the older one. Tell him to sit and eat with the little one in the kitchen and he will learn from him. “See, look how he looks at you, he does not look at us like that.” We are making the older one into a character from which the little one will take an example.

Oren: Why will he want to do that?

Dr. Laitman: Because we are giving him importance.

Oren: Let us say you are my father and I am the adolescent. What do you do actually?

Dr. Laitman: I talk to you about it, since you are already at an age when you can listen and understand. You need to know that the small one learns from you and you must do toward him such and such activities so that he will know this is what we do. Because from you, he will take it, since what you are is what he will want to be.

Oren: That is correct

Nitzah: It is as if on the one hand, the teenager is the student and the teacher.

Dr. Laitman: We do not relate to him as our student.

Nitzah: Not our student, a student of life.

Dr. Laitman: Also not that. We need to talk with him face to face, never looking down at him. We need to talk to him like an equal and say how we look at all these things. Like his friends that used to exchange opinions with him, etc.

Oren: Let us talk about it like his friends, since this is the second time you have emphasized the way parents relate to him. You said before, “He needs to feel that they are like his loyal friends and they also understand life, so it is worth it to use them, as they have a lot of advantages.” How do you bring him to a feeling, not in a forcible way like a salesman that has come to sell himself? What can I do so that he will feel that I want him to feel me as a friend, loyal and smart and that there is a benefit from me. Let us say if you were really a friend and really loyal and smart for sure, you would be my best friend because you give me the most benefit in life. How do I bring him to this emotional point?

Dr. Laitman: You know what, go into his room when he does not want to talk to you. He closed himself up and everything, so go into his room and say, “I want to consult with you. I have this and this relationship, I have this and this case. What do you recommend?” And tell him that there is something going on with you and someone else. Ask him what he thinks about why are they doing this and why they think this. Ask him what he recommends doing and what it is worth to do. Maybe if it is the neighbor or something. Put him into a story of what is happening at work. Bring him in as a partner and consult with him. He will start to think in a direction of finding solutions for things that have nothing to do with him really, but still you relate importance to that because you are somehow demanding of him to be critical of and verify things that have nothing to do with him. But, he is starting to see that it is important, because this is how he gets treated as a big person and that his opinion is important. Going and verifying these things in life awakens in him a different attitude to life to not just be in situations, but to see them more internally. Jealousy, greed, control and lust. Play with all those things!

Oren: How should we play with them?

Dr. Laitman: By awakening him to help to participate in it, and to express his opinion, but not to just express his opinion that what he would do is just it! Why? And how? You have doubts you are verifying and maybe it is like, “They did this and they did that.” You take him from a superficial way of looking at things to being more internal.

Nitzah: You mean there is a real technique here by which you transform him into a consultant, to someone whose opinion you take into account. I remember a situation when I really did that, and the solution that I got from my daughter was really surprising and as an adult, I could not even come out with it. There is something here. I feel you gave me a key, an entry to communication with a teenager by transforming him into a person that you consult with, with whom you think together. With this, you are doing a few things . First of all, you allow him to feel important and significant and you also allow him to develop a way of thinking from all kinds of perspective that do not touch him personally.

Dr. Laitman: It really is like that.

Nitzah: It is really the key to get into his room, like you said before.

Oren: You said before that between parents and teenagers that there can be a few types of interactions. Let us say a father with the daughter. Let us say I am a father and I have a daughter growing up. What do I do with this special interaction between us? What do I need to do? You said that the goal is for her to get to know… why did you send the father to the daughter and the mother to the son. It is so they will get to know the other gender, because that is the central thing in adolescence.

Dr. Laitman: Without disregarding that, my mother told me about women and about their character, and if I spoke to her about it, I did not feel that she was disregarding anyone.

Oren: Disregarding what?

Dr. Laitman: Ahh.. usually with girls there is this and that. I am not disregarding them, God forbid. She told me about it in a very objective manner. I remember once I behaved too excitedly, and she asked me, “Do you know how to be a real man, a macho guy?” It really left a mark on me. She spoke like a girl, telling me to be a man and be more decisive. I felt my parents treated me like they were my friends.

Oren: The potential is there is clear, but now I am saying that I want to implement it and I am confused. I have a daughter growing up and I am a father, a man, and she is a female. Let us go back to the that door. You gave me an exercise to go into their room and get advice. Now I as a father and I come to my daughter’s room. My goal is to give her a feeling or to give knowledge that will help her in life.

Dr. Laitman: You are coming out of the blue. I do not know how it happens, as it has to be some situation, some reason, some emotional point on which you connect. There is stuff going on all the time. And then you start to talk with her, not like a father, but with the understanding that you are participating in her life and that you know that life is not simple, that we have inner urges coming up all the time and everyone wants to put her down more and more and with all this competition. You explain that this is nature and how people relate to one another and each and every person is under pressure.

There are situations where if a person does not feel, understand and know man's nature, his own nature and other peoples’ nature and become a researcher, an expert about what is happening, then it is very difficult because he is getting all kinds of influences and confusion from all sides and does not know what to do. But the main thing is for a person to also learn the psychology of behavior. Who he is? What he is? How are other people behaving? What do they think? Why do they think like they do?

I remember this whole story about genes and hormones and inner urges being a result of them. Especially when you are a teenager, it is all from hormonal development that happens in that age. So this explanation that I received helped me a lot. I would truly look at others as if I was a little bit smarter than they were. Maybe I was not, but I felt like I was. I looked at them from the side. It gave me the perspective from the side, so that I was not involved over my head in all of this mess

Oren: Is that my goal as a parent? To bring my teenager to feel a little bit smarter? That they are looking from the side?

That is a result, and will happen, but it will happen because he is also looking with inner eyes at these things. Why are others behaving like this? Why do they think this? What's happening, etc. He will see behind this theater, the forces operating them and without seeing this, it is difficult for a person in life.

Oren: We are reaching the end of our talk about adolescence and we are going to continue this in our next talk. I would like you to summarize our talk today, and give us the perspective that parents need to approach communicating with teenagers.

Dr. Laitman: Communication can only be on an equal level, it cannot be from up or down or the opposite. How does a mother play with the little one? This is how we need to treat all ages and all people. We need to be on an equal level. If I want to be in touch with someone who is at the highest level, I have to raise myself to his level, and when I come from below asking and everything, I am not sure I will get anything out of it. When I make myself at his height, precisely not by coming out rudely, but if I show him I am at his height, then I can usually get the correct response.

Oren: What about teenagers?

Dr. Laitman: We have to be like them. We have to understand, feel and grasp these points. I say a few words here, a few words there, and he goes in his room to escape and does not want to listen. Here and there, I can come in and bring him to a place where he understands the situation. I feel it and can add something. In this way, he gradually gets into connection. Okay, we are talking about things happening in the middle, not in the process where we take parents even before they have kids. A young couple needs to start looking out for him, even before then. We need corrections.

Oren: Thank you. We would continue, but it is impossible at this time. Thank you Dr. Laitman. Thank you Nitzah,Thank you for being with us to connect on the same level. Until next time.

(End of the conversation)