How to Improve a Family Relationship
A family, in the fullest sense of the word, is one in which everyone feels connected. Creating such a connection is not simple, but this is what we should strive for. Each family member should feel equal to the others and have the opportunity to share what they are going through in life, consult with others, and receive support, love, and encouragement. The sense of security that a child receives at home from an early age will provide a solid foundation for their entire life.
According to the integral approach to education, the primary tool for building a connected family is a family connection workshop. Naturally, we need to learn how to conduct one properly, but let us describe the basic principles.
First, it is worthwhile to establish agreed-upon times when the entire family sits together. It could be an hour over dinner during the week, or sometime on Friday or Saturday. The main thing is that everyone knows: this is our time. No one disappears into their room or finds something else to do. This is family time, something we consider truly sacred, and everyone is present.
We eat, connect, laugh, and most importantly, talk. We share experiences we have gone through and consult with one another about different matters. We raise doubts, thoughts, and dilemmas, hear what the others think, and receive suggestions and possible courses of action.
Speaking and listening should follow the special rules of the connection workshop. These rules are designed to develop a deep connection between people: everyone is equal, and everyone is important. We speak in turns, each person having their opportunity while the others listen. No one dismisses what another person says; each person simply adds their own perspective to what we are building together.
And if there is a young child in the family, even one still small enough to sit on our lap, we include them in the family round as well. We want to receive some contribution from them too. It does not matter what it is. The important thing is to create within the child a feeling of participation and connection with the family.
Education takes place through example, and we parents should provide examples by sharing and consulting about situations that happen to us at work, on the street, with friends, and so on. Naturally, this should not take the form of gossip or speaking badly about others, but should focus on the matter itself. We can talk about challenges within the family and, in fact, about anything that interests everyone.
From time to time, it is recommended to discuss the special rules we follow in a connection workshop. For example: Why does everyone need to say something and express themselves whenever we sit down for a workshop? Why is it not enough for only one or two people to speak? What is better for creating equality, connection, and a feeling of family? How can I feel within my heart what each person is saying? How can we make sure that we all leave the gathering connected as one person with one heart? Perhaps sometimes we should hold hands, share a family hug, or sing something together?
A connection workshop is a gradual process through which the connection between us becomes closer, deeper, and warmer. At the end, we agree to try to maintain the special feeling we have created between us until our next family gathering.
In principle, if we want to discuss in the workshop a negative quality or form of behavior exhibited by one of the family members, we should never address it directly. After all, no one can tolerate being put on trial in front of everyone else. What we can do instead is take the opportunity to discuss a similar behavior that we see in someone outside the family, perhaps a familiar character from a movie or book, and so on. Is it right to behave this way? Through this indirect approach, we can clarify our negative attitude toward that particular quality.
The guiding principle is that we never confront a person by saying, “You are bad!” That can damage their entire development. If, during a workshop, someone brings up a problem they themselves are struggling with, then we discuss together how all of us can help and support them. Our aspiration is always to encourage, uplift, and give the person the feeling that they are strong, capable, and able to succeed, to strengthen their confidence that everything can be worked out.
A recommended family exercise: for one week, make every possible effort not to criticize anyone. We all try to make sure that the others feel comfortable around us. We want every member of the family to be happy that we are there with them, to feel that we are a source of good feelings for them: gentleness, smiles, joy, and warmth. At the end of the week, we discuss in the workshop how we felt during the exercise, when it was difficult, when it was easy, what helped us, and so on.
Proper education is education that builds a connected environment in which each person can discern for themselves what is bad and what is good, recognize the bad inherent in their egoistic nature, and come to the realization that it is worthwhile to correct it toward good. Wishing us all great success.
Based on "New Life 214 – Sibling Relationships, Part 1" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.