Why Does Love Fade Between Couples?

Every couple has had moments of grace, intoxicating infatuation, the feeling that “this is the person I want to live with until the end of my life,” but then it fades. Why did we receive such feelings? Why did they go? Is it possible to make those feelings stay forever?

Animals have the whole gamut of hormones, instincts, mating and reproduction seasons worked out for them by nature. Only we humans find ourselves confused in our relationships. We struggle to choose a partner, then struggle to live with them, and we live in a constant struggle.

Love studies are the profession of the future. In a world with so many divorces, betrayals, thoughts of breaking up, and where so many couples stay together only out of necessity, in days when relationships have become very complicated, there is an urgent need to teach love. If we know how to build love, it will make us healthy in every way, save us much stress and anxiety, and it will also positively influence children, the entire next generation we are raising. We will discover that nothing is missing, everything aligns, and that love brings light into every aspect of our lives, at home, work, and throughout society.

Building love requires conscious mutual work that combines mind and emotion. It runs in contrast to the feeling of infatuation, which is given to us as a gift so that we understand the level of emotional intensity we can reach, but which also makes us lose our heads a little. The spontaneous feeling of infatuation quickly fades away in order to let us build bonds of love ourselves.

First of all, we should agree between us that we want to develop love, to give birth to it, and not wait for it to fall on us from some unknown source. We want to build our love, to hold on to it no matter what, so that it provides us with support, a good feeling, and warmth throughout our life. For that, we will have to learn how to share with our partner, our inspirations, our excitements, to measure them, talk about them, convey them to each other clearly, until we can increase our love more and more, despite the routine that threatens to dull all flavor.

The internal factor we fight against in the process of building love is the ego that dwells within each of us. The ego is our selfish nature, as it is written "the inclination of the human heart that is evil from youth." In our times, the ego has grown to such proportions that it has become unclear what to do with it, as it constantly manipulates and confuses us. We need to know how to navigate it, how to manage it instead of letting it manage us. If we approach this task together, then we will become a mature "research couple."

We build romantic love when we each rise above our ego, "give it up" so to speak, in order to connect with the other. Then, love becomes the common emotion we feel between us as a result of mutual concessions and mutual consideration. To the extent that we give ourselves up, clear space within ourselves into which the other can enter, give up our demands, the criticism that comes from the need to feel our superiority, that we do not approach our partner with complaints but only with smiles, then this space where we conceded our ego fills up with love. Mutual love is created when we have a space in each other's hearts, and we feel each other mutually in each other's hearts.

In the process of building love, we can distinguish between three different zones that exist in our relationship. The first zone will include the love we have already built. The second zone will include everything we wish to work on now, i.e., to make mutual concessions in order to build love. The third zone will include everything we are currently unable to connect over or to concede, which is what we will not touch for now. Gradually, we will strive to transfer more and more parts of our relationship into the zone of love. Along the way, we will need to help each other and provide positive examples. We will each show the other how much we are willing to concede for them, so that we can build love between us.

After we have described the process in broad strokes, we should return to the starting point and suggest some practical exercises. Even if we do not feel it yet, it is highly recommended to start treating our partner from now on as the most special person in the world: the most beautiful, wise, and important. To begin realizing this, we should imagine our perfect partner in every way, creating a rich internal image of them with all the details and features. We should then take the feeling of appreciation we have toward that perfect figure we constructed in our imagination and transfer it to our partner. Start treating them as if they were truly perfect. Elevate them to the status of king or queen.

Doing so requires letting go of the picture we now actually see before our eyes, a picture far from perfect and full of problems, and accept our partner as if they were ideal. We must say this to them in words, describing it in as much detail as possible, without holding back. After a period of such mutual exercises, we will discover that our lives begin to change for the better, that we truly see our partner in a new light, and they reciprocate similarly. Love enters in the common space where we both worked to treat each other this way.

Even though this exercise sounds clear in theory, it becomes difficult in practice. For example, if we are about to arrive home and we know that we will end up getting annoyed with our partner, as usual, then what do we do?

Even in that case, we must relate not to the reality we see, but as if everything were perfectly tidy. Without doing so, love will never come. Love will come to us only if we show each other how we accept and want one another despite all the negativity and problems that arise. We wish to love our partner as they are, the way their mother loved them, giving the same warm and embracing feeling.

So, before we enter the house, we should say to ourselves: “My partner is perfect. I love them,” similar to how we once felt toward them, when we were head over heels in love. Back then we did not care if the house was messy. Of utmost importance was that we were together. Therefore, before entering the house, we should think about how someone who is our source of life is waiting for us. It is the person who understands us the most, cares for us, and can always help us.

To make it easier to prepare, we can take a sheet of paper and write about our problem, processing it in the direction of its solution. For example:

"Every evening when we come home, an argument begins between us over one or another matter. This often ends up in an explosion, and the evening starts off on the wrong foot. We should thus concede in advance over that which causes the explosion. In that concession, we want to work on our ego, which draws us a narrow and limited picture of the world, and move toward a broader picture of love. The sages say that through an attitude of love, we discover a new and different world, one that is beautiful and whole. That is what we strive for. Therefore, we are grateful for now having the opportunity to work on ourselves, to correct our selfish attitude toward those around us, and move closer to a reality of love."

Love gives us fulfillment that is far greater than anything else, as if it is from a perfectly tidy house. When we walk into a tidy house and enjoy it, for instance, the enjoyment fades after a few minutes. That is how it is with anything that gives us personal pleasure. After some time, the feeling fades away, and this goes for any new shiny material item, whether it be a new house, car, clothes, and so on. Only love is tied to eternity, and only it can give us a sense of fulfillment and pleasure on completely different levels. The pleasure from love is the only one that can continually grow, precisely because of the resistances that will constantly arise against it. The ego will stir up distance, rejection, criticism, and hatred between us again and again, and we will continually see several flaws in our partner, and again and again we will have to concede in order to rise up to love.

Concession adds flavors to love. It gives love validity and existence. Without it, we would not feel love. That is why life sends us new frictions and opportunities for concessions. Nothing falls on us by chance. Life is a training ground for self-correction and the development of love. If we achieve a loving attitude toward others, then such a direction becomes unlimited. We will stop suffering. We will become completely fulfilled, and we will feel elevation beyond all boundaries of reality. A new and good world will open up before us. It does not matter who is the person standing opposite us, because the inner work is done toward ourselves. “Love your neighbor as yourself” is the ultimate formula for the correct perception of reality. Partners, friends, acquaintances, coworkers are all merely tools for correcting our own attitude toward the whole of reality.

Based on episodes 43 and 44 of "New Life" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.

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