A New Life.

Talk 224

Social Skills

A Talk with Dr. Michael Laitman August 25, 2013 – after editing

Oren: Hello and thank you for joining us on “A New Life,” a series of educational talks with Dr. Michael Laitman. Hello, Dr. Laitman.

Hello all.

Oren: Hello, Nitza Mazoz.
Nitza: Hello.

Oren: Today, we would like to learn from Dr. Laitman how we may carry our life forward to a better place. We are trying to understand the heart of all these things and discovering that in every area of our life we encounter relationships with the people around us. That is what we are trying to learn - how to improve and get good results in all areas, such as at home, work, in every area and on every level.

Each session, our discussion takes us to a different relationship and today we would like to hold a discussion with Dr. Laitman focused on parents, from a place of wanting to learn how to be better parents. How can we help our children be more successful people and how can we all experience this event of life, of connecting with others as best as possible? Stay with us, it will be relevant to all areas in general.

Nitza: Today, in our parent course, we would like to speak about the social development and social relations our children begin developing very early on in life. We see that at very early stages, children see their family and home as the environment from which they absorb and imbibe everything. At some stage, we notice how their focus and interest begins to shift to their group of friends, society and peer groups. A desire and need for a sense of belonging, knowing how to be integrated in the group and society begins to arise. Then, the society and friends, the children’s environment becomes the most important thing for the child, much more than family or anything else.

Today, we will discuss several very important aspects of this issue, because as a mother and parent, I can testify that the most important thing for us parents is for our children to be able to connect and be connected as social beings, since it affects the degree of their joy and happiness in life. Even in discussions I've had with other parents I frequently hear: “Grades are less important to me, as long as he is sociable and constantly surrounded by friends.” That’s what we'd like to discuss today.

So the first question is: what is this need to belong and feel part of something greater, a larger society which begins to form in the child?

Unlike animals, we are social beings and do not suffice with family or part of a pack. Even in packs of animals, there are quite complex relations. Our society is much more complex and intricate, as a person's success depends only on society, the extent to which he is accepted and able to be in mutuality and appropriate connection with it. Therefore, all of his success, the way he manages with family life, his profession, work and support all depends on society.
We don’t know which society we will find ourselves in and how many times during our lives we will change places, work and residence, the society of our spouse, we get as dowry. Hence, the main thing for a person, in order to be sure he will not drift away is his ability to connect with any society. For him to understand and feel people, know how to form a mutual connection with them. It could be the worst society, but if he knows how to connect with them, he already enters a secure and supportive place. It could be that according to his tendencies, perhaps a society of children or adults, of men or women, a professional society and so on. There are many societies of all types.

It also depends on children's upbringing. I’ve seen it with my two grandsons. One of them grew up at home, isolated, far from connecting with strangers and children and it shows on him, even today. He received a British upbringing, seemingly living in a castle, with little contact with people. Today, he is even afraid of contact with people, mainly with his family and more introverted. The other grandson was brought up totally differently. He had a very friendly nanny, who knows the names of all the people around and he'd go out with her to the city park, where he met and spoke with many other people, so he grew up with a natural attitude towards the larger society. Even when he was a year old, before he could actually walk and speak, he was not afraid of being in a crowd and he's ready to accept and talk with anyone, since that's the example he saw. He could change his nursery every day and be a part of any society, not because he started dominating others; he just feels comfortable with himself and everything around him.

That is how it stood out to me that education at the early age is mainly from an example. Whatever a person receives at the earliest age, a year or two, is the most significant and "habits becomes second nature." It could also be that those were their attributes and from the start they had such an approach and attitude. Yet, it could still be softened and in some way mitigated and focused on one direction or another through education.

Nitza: Meaning, that the first stage is to give the child an example from the earliest stages.

Yes.

Nitza: Do you recommend to me, as a parent, to go out more?

According to Nature, as we used to grow up, say, fifty thousand years ago, we were in a big clan, where all the children hung out together in the sand, dirt and garbage, with all the adults around them and everything was like one home. Surely, each child knew who his parents were and he could find his mother by smell. Yet, there wasn’t any difference between his own natural corner and the larger space where everybody hung out together. I think that's best.

Nowadays, we're revealing that we depend on each to a great extent, and the world is becoming interconnected, in accordance with our inner inclination. We are stretching communication lines from one to another throughout the entire world. In other words, in our evolution, we want connections with everybody. Accordingly, we need to provide the child with this approach, so he won't remain alone, sitting in a corner, closed off from connecting with everyone.
Even though that is actually my own personality, but when I observe everybody from my little corner, I see that the world is drawn towards total and comprehensive communication among all. So we need to give children such an opportunity.

Nitza: Is my role as a mother to allow my child to go out to public parks from a very young age?

If I had developed according to my personality, I would be very isolated and far from everybody. I would build my house in some remote place and live there, with a few people around to help me, and perhaps with my books and science. Rather, necessity and having no other choice draw me out from that place and I go to conventions, organize lessons and am here. However, as you can see, I have my own room to escape to. Because, thinking and feeling myself is possible only if I'm alone. I'm not saying that it is the correct and good way, but other than a person's character, there is also habit and education, which we need to provide for the child. While the child is still in our hands, we have to give him the opportunity to be a part of the large society and for him to know how to connect to society nicely and comfortably. That is safest; it is best for ensuring his connection and development in any profession and everything, particularly, since we know that the world is proceeding towards total and general connection. Even if we suffer along the way because we haven't found the correct connection among us, in the end, we will have to connect correctly, meaning the closest with each other in our hearts. To that end, education is essential.

A person who knows the method of connecting with others succeeds in everything in life. We need such people. We see that even in the capitalistic world now coming to an end, what is mainly developing are roles of managers and sales agents, professions speaking about the connection among people. These professions of connection will be increasingly needed in the future. Meaning, all the people who leave the job market and become free, as a result of technological development and so on, will begin studying and working in order to form correct connections among people.

Nitza: You are reinforcing what we said, that today, social skills are the most important and significant thing to convey to children, as his success in our world depends on it.

Surely, it's more than a profession, more than anything. If he has a correct approach to people, he can clothe thousands of professions on this approach and succeed.

Nitza: Let's proceed to the next stage. The child is already in a society and at a certain stage, it becomes his center, it is the most important and significant thing, mainly for teenagers. So how can we parents influence the child's ability to choose the right friends, know how to be influenced by the correct things? Because we understand that this environment becomes most influential upon our child.

The answer is simple: we can’t. If he is in an environment we do not approve of, we'll break his entire connection with life, because he will have to seclude himself from the environment. On the other hand, the environment attracts him very much, giving him all the vitality, life and values and then we break him. We don't realize it, but we thus break his connection with life, since society is life. That is why we mustn't do so.

Meaning, if he is in a society, we only need to check which society he joined, and after he joined we mustn't be critical. Criticism doesn’t help, it only destroys him. By our criticizing his environment, society and its atmosphere, we won't be able to isolate him; we will only be capable of ruining his attitude towards the society. The society will stop accepting him, it will repel him, he will clam up and so it turns out that we are breaking his connection to life.

We can only examine the environment before he joined it and was received there, because that is what he'll become. If we don’t want it, we have to change our place and environment, so that he will not be close to the undesirable one. We have to move to a preferable place, a totally different environment around him. But once he entered the environment we mustn't say anything about it. We may influence the children's environment indirectly along with other parents, but not our child directly. We mustn't. To the contrary, we only need to awaken him, teach him how to build closer ties with the environment.

Nitza: Let's say school is all right, the environment is good, yet I notice that my child has a tendency to connect particularly with children, who in my opinion as a parent are not the best ones.

That is already a problem within the school, where there are many environments, groups and forms of influence on the child. In that case, perhaps I can direct him through certain after-school classes, such as sports, culture and activities other than studies. Perhaps I can do that with other parents by having them join trips or do some other work after the lessons, and so on. I may be able to talk with him and somehow redirect him. But the main thing is to do it by drawing him towards things other than those of his friends, whom I don’t think are good for him to connect with.

Nitza: In other words, should I try to draw his attention to a different area?

Yes.

Nitza: Meaning, not to say to him: “That's not okay, why are you hanging out with that friend?" It won't really help, rather to create something that will attract him such, that he will let go and be gradually attracted to the other direction.

Yes, correct.

Oren: What, for example, should I draw him towards?

Either to sports, after-school classes or sharing a hobby: photography, computers, bike riding, special games, perhaps collecting all kinds of unique things and so on. Meaning, to give him a certain activity with several friends, who I’m certain are a good environment for him.

Oren: Wherever there is more than one person, when there are several around, a small society, whether at school or after-school courses, there are many people around him. I brought my child there, because I think it is a place he will enjoy, a good environment for him and there are several children around him. When I look around, as a parent, at my child and the children around him, there will always be those that seem to be less favorable and those who look better to me. It's always that way, it will always happen, no matter which environment, class, etc…

Yes.

Oren: I've brought him to this mini-society in class or after-school course. How do I develop in him the ability to sharpen his senses and discern between "I shouldn't connect with him, but I should connect with her."? I am dividing what you said into two levels. I need to bring him to a place where there are many children around him, whose direction is good and I say, "Good, I've done that." Within that place as a father, I will always observe from the outside, that I'd prefer he not connect with these three, but connect with those two. So, how do I develop in my child the ability to distinguish within the society, who he should connect with and whom should he stay away from and how to begin developing sensitivity to that type of discernment?

In what way can he be connected to the children you prefer? Perhaps they have some special activity or a special place they go to. You have to give him something tempting, whatever. Otherwise, he will stick to people, children, whatever prevails in society, according to whoever's stronger.

Nitza: So, what type of "bait" can I give?

I don’t know, it depends on what they are engaged in, what is special about those children. Perhaps I should speak to their parents and we buy something special for the three children, through which they begin to connect with each other. For example: a bike for each one, a tennis table, or computer program, through which they begin to connect with each other.

Oren: What technology are we using here? As a parent, I have noticed two or three children I'd like him to stay away from and another two or three I'd like him to be close with. So, I have to start thinking how I can create a common denominator among them.

Why he will prefer them to others.

Oren: I understand. Actually, I will do things from the side, even without his knowing.

Yes. You organize a soccer field for all those children, where they are already mixed, with no evil tendencies among them, rather they all begin engaging in some common thing. For example, give everyone a joint activity, both the bad ones and the good ones in your opinion. Give them all a shared activity.

Oren: To draw him away from connecting with that specific threesome.

Yes. Let it be mixed, with all involved.

Oren: Earlier, you said that we could succeed in talking with him. You said that perhaps, after talking with him at home, we'll succeed in developing his ability to discern whom he should be close with and whom he should stay away from. We discussed their interactions there. What takes place at home? Can we somehow sharpen his sense, at home? Whom it is worth getting closer to and from whom it is better to stay away.

Almost never. Meaning, he will know your opinion, but he won't go along with it; the society is stronger. The society's values are stronger. The values of society are much more significant to him than those of the parents. A child sees his parents as the source of life. That's all. Give me something to eat, something to wear, and everything else is my environment, my world is my peers, and for me, you are like a shop, a supermarket, clothes, kitchen, etc..That's it. That is how the young generation always views the parents' generation and rightly so. Otherwise, they wouldn't develop.

This is the nature of things. I should tell him and teach him; he needs to know my inclination, but by suppressing him, constantly guarding and pressuring, I destroy him: “Who have you been hanging out with, I don’t allow this and do allow that.” I have to be on guard to keep him away from bigger problems, such as if there are any criminals around him dragging him out at night to a robbery, that is something I have to be concerned with, as best I can. But not to intervene each and every moment, even if he is with friends who are not so good, I can only limit him gently, indirectly. I'm not referring to extreme cases.

Oren: Supposing you want to convey your opinion to him, for him to know it, without forcing him. How do you convey your opinion to him? What will you say?

I speak to him directly. Why I don’t like this and why I like that. However, it needs to be done smoothly.

Oren: What does smoothly mean?

Smoothly means without pressure, suppressing, or being like an enemy of someone or something, showing my disdain for them, low regard of them, lack of appreciation of them. It depends on the form it takes and the extent of evil I have discovered in that environment. I relate to them as children he shouldn't be with, don’t add anything and are not respectful.

Oren: That is a direct way of approaching him. Is there a more sophisticated way?

It has to be. You have to explain, say, a little here and a little there, without pressure, only for him to hear your opinion, in a disparaging way, such as: "How's their behavior?" in such a way that he sees you disregard them.

Oren: You disparage them and is it important for him to feel that?

It is very important. Yes.

Oren: Why?

You understand them, you feel them, are not against them, but in your eyes it is very dishonorable.

Nitza: It becomes much more intense when we're talking about teenagers who are often drawn to not the most desirable children.

They are extremely drawn, but here we are speaking about several ways of relating to them. The direct approach is when I show him the extent to which it is dishonorable in my eyes and why.

Nitza: Is there any way of changing the child? Because we know that some children are more opinionated and they are the ones who influence others and there are those who are more influenced by others and go along with them.

It depends on the environment.

Nitza: On the environment or his character?

The environment. The values of the environment are always more important than those of the individual. He can't enter a society and reverse their values according to his own. He is unable to do so and also would not want to, because then they will not respect him. He won't be able to turn it around. He is not a revolutionist. No, we are not speaking about exceptional cases. We are talking about a regular child, an ordinary person entering a society.

If it is done, it is in a very sophisticated way. He needs to enter the surroundings and be integrated in it; he needs to be accepted in their environment according to its values. Afterwards, when he's accepted and has absorbed things according to its values and priorities, only after that, can he begin to change their values according to his plan. These are very intricate things. It is a process, politics. After all, we are talking about children.

Nitza: But with children and adolescents, we see that some have natural leadership skills.

One moment, are we speaking about someone special or a regular child?

Nitza: Regular children.

If it is a leadership skill, if it is a specific inclination, if this child always leads others after him and only looks for means of leading them, that is already something else; it is an inclination. Then he thinks as such, for example: “If I have a ball, everybody will run together with me, so how can I obtain a ball?” So he already thinks how to manipulate the friends, so they will be around him.

We aren’t talking about those children, rather about regular ones, so that he won't get carried away with this society, rather the better one. That is the problem. Therefore, I am saying that there are several things here. First, I express to him how much I respect those and disrespect the others, showing my disdain. Secondly, I observe the bad group's games and what the good group engages in, and do things so he will be interested in that same activity, or for them to have something in common with the good group. Next, synchronized to schedules, etc. I arrange all the conditions as much as possible for it to be more convenient, better and easier to connect with the group I think is better. For its values, his various skills and means are close to theirs. That's all.

But it's work; if parents want to keep tabs on things, they need to do it.

Oren: Concerning the stage you just mentioned, that it is very important to show a child that you disrespect the behavior of one group and respect the behavior of the others.

What are values? Values are the understanding that one is more important than the other. He sees these guys are strong, they don’t care about anybody and they are great in his eyes. The others are quiet, occupied with something, collect stamps and the like; they are not so worthy in his eyes. I, by my attitude and additional ways, need to give him reversed priorities.

How do I do that? First of all, if he has certain ways of connecting with the negative children, I need to intervene in some way, without him knowing. I also tell him that I do not prefer them, that I really don't appreciate their behavior.

Oren: This is what I would like to understand slightly deeper. How do you express it? I am your son and you now want to convey a feeling and information that you are taken aback from one group and respect the others. How do you convey it in a way I'll be able to accept?

It's systematic work.

Oren: You said you'd send him to an after-school class in order to create a good environment for him, say, I sent him to a photography class after the school. I have also tried to choose the best school I know, and afterwards he has a photography class, where there is a group of ten teenagers or children.

Then he already connects with them.

Oren: Correct. In that group I observe two who are somewhat rough and another two, who are very good for him to be close with. I see that he is going not exactly as I would like. I would like to encourage him to turn a little in the other direction instead of this one. You told me that I can manipulate things indirectly to bring that about, but you also said three times that that it is important for you to explain it to him and show him.

You need to explain why his priorities are incorrect and do not correspond with yours, why yes and why not, according to their behavior, the way adults see them, by relating to the possible consequences of their behavior. I have to explain to him what is going on. Why it is not worthwhile now, why it is not worthwhile in the future and what harm they could cause themselves and others, and so on.

I have to explain to him why I prefer these to those. This should be the constant work of parents, altogether: other than him discovering life, giving him values to each and every thing, yet not being suppressive.

Oren: What is "not being suppressive?" You've also mentioned that several times.

Not being suppressive means that I teach him what I think is better and worse and explain why, but I don’t pressure him, for him to feel he's being educated. Education is only about values, why this is worthwhile and that isn't, why this is more, why that is less. Regarding people, all kinds of things in life, occupations, hobbies, work, each and every thing. I need to give him the value of things.

We have millions of forms surrounding us: human beings, animals, plants, relationships and behaviors, in culture, education, professions and everything. I need to tell him my attitude towards each end every thing. I need to be near the child and when he looks at the world, explain to him what he is seeing, why it is the way it is and where it's from. I give him my point of view, but I never suppress him. Only later, I follow him and see if he's relating correctly or not, in my opinion. Then, I continue speaking and correcting his distortion. Perhaps he didn’t understand me correctly and so on. Yet, without telling him he's is right or wrong, rather expressing my opinion alone.

Oren: I'll give you an example. Suppose I saw my child with a group of his friends in a particular situation doing something I don't like. I am not with them, but see them from the side. My child and his friends are doing something that looks bad to me, incorrect. What do I do afterwards, when he comes back from his friends and we are together?

You talk about it, only not about him and his friends, but rather that you saw it somewhere and you tell him what you saw and how it looked.

Oren: The behavior? Should I relate to the behavior and explain why I think it is unseemly?

Yes. You talk about it and want his actual participation.

Oren: What is his participation? Should I ask for his opinion?

Yes. What he thinks about it, about this and that.

Oren: Regarding the way we talk, at this stage where I'd like to convey my values to him, you said that I should tell him why it's worthwhile or not, but not to pressure him. How do you know where the boundary is between expressing your opinion as a parent, which I understand you're obligated to do, to convey your opinion, your attitude towards the event, whether it's positive or negative, yet for him to know what you think without pressuring him too much? How do you know you have begun pressuring and that you should ease up? How do I realize that I've begun putting pressure?

You must see him as a partner.

Oren: What does that mean?

It means that together you are going to relate to life this way, reveal things, discuss them together. You are genuine partners in that, devoted to each other, you have a unified, similar view of things, and that is what you do.

Oren: What will I gain if I see him as a partner? Will it give me the sensitivity to distinguish when I am pressuring him? Why did you say “partner” when I tried to understand if I'm not putting pressure or suppressing him?

Because one doesn’t suppress one's partner. A partner is a partner, he is a friend. I am with you on the same level.

Oren: Is a partner like a friend?

It is because you don’t treat him like a child. You want to convey information to him in a way where he isn't lower than you, rather truly together with you. As I said, you explain to him how you saw some kind of misbehavior outside. You explain it to him as if you saw something from the side and you explain it to him not like to a child, but an adult. You expect him to understand you and participate with you in clarifying these things. He will absorb it and it will remain with him for life.

It is very important to constantly talk directly.

Oren: What is "directly?"

On the same level.

Oren: Like to a friend.

Yes. You are simply in a state of sharing things.

Nitza: As parents, we often notice that although our children grew up in the same family and received more or less the same education, there are still children who are naturally more active and it comes to them more easily, as if they have some natural inclination to be in a social system. They know how to connect with ease and there are others for whom it is not at all easy. Previously, you gave an example of your grandsons. Personally, I know many cases of children who grew up in the exact same environment, the same house, and one of them finds it very difficult, whereas it comes easily to the other. How can I as a parent, help the child who has trouble with it, who is slightly more introverted, more bashful, vulnerable and sensitive? How can I help him acquire these social skills after all?

Only by complementing him, explaining to him, with wisdom.

Nitza: What wisdom?

With the intellect of the approach.

Nitza: What should I explain to him? This is a sensitive child. Let’s say I have a son like that, who is more sensitive and introverted. I see he is more secluded, how do I, as a parent, help him develop his social skills, become slightly more initiative, active, communicative, connected?

Through exercises.

Nitza: These exercises are exactly what I am looking for.

For many cases these are the exercises, although whatever comes naturally will remain in the end and this foundation will determine his dominant behavior, but after that we have habits. Because after all, whatever we absorb from education are all sorts of actions, forms of behavior, scenes like a theater, which we absorb and afterwards we only activate them. We need to lead him through all kinds of exercises, in which he will acquire different approaches to people and the environment. That way, he will know it is in his memory, within his ability to behave one way or another, and by that to succeed.

Oren: Please give an example. The child is shy, not sociable, doesn't connect with others, always closed up within himself, an introvert. Suppose I have three children, two of them are sociable, everything flows, say the older and the younger ones, and the middle one is more introverted, closed within himself.

So what do you want from him? Do you want to turn him into the star of society?

Oren: No, but for him to be able to communicate, integrate with others on a basic level.

Does it bother him?

Nitza: Of course it bothers him. You see that he comes home, stays closed up in his room, quiet, not happy. You see it is lacking and as a parent you don’t know how to help him come out of this state and connect properly. I also often see that there is jealousy among siblings as a result. For example, the youngest knows how to connect very well and he is favored in society, adapting quickly to any surrounding and the other one just stands there not knowing what to do, how, where to even begin. Today, there are many courses and workshops which teach how to help parents and mainly teenagers develop social skills and connections and I think it is very important.

As a teenager, I learned it through joint activities. I joined a photography class, then astronomy, stargazing, biking and all kinds of things. That was sixty years ago and it helped me a lot. Generally speaking, everything was organized then, mainly through after-school organizations, particularly sports and I didn’t have any free time left.

Later on, there were books. These days, it is not like it used to be, there was nothing except books and a movie every once in a while. I used to go with my father to the city center on days off. We'd go into the book store, go through all the books and buy several. Then, my father would explain things to me, what's worthwhile or not. Then, I'd also go to the library. In other words, I thus received guidance in all sorts of things, such as what bicycle to buy, which ball or book, if it was worth paying for a certain course, etc. There was also an explanation why it is worthwhile or not, although that was less effective. Because when a negative society comes and presents itself as big, strong and dominant, then naturally, the child would like to join it and he is willing to give everything for that. Although sometimes I'd join such societies, I felt foreign there. It was as if I allowed myself to go a bit wild, but not that I intended to be there and remain with them. And that is the difference, because I received very strong guidance from my parents.

Oren: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. I have three children, two are sociable and one is very bashful, introverted, doesn't connect with others, totally closed up within himself, as if somewhat frightened of the world. I don't know what is going on within him, what he feels, how he senses others around him. Are they his enemies? Why is he afraid of them? What can be done?

It is mainly an issue of shame.

Oren: What is he ashamed of?

Of hurting his ego. It could be fear, but if not fear, then it is shame.

Oren: So, let's discuss each one separately, fear and shame.

Shame is when I’m afraid that if I get close to them, they will hurt me. Not that they will beat me, rather that they will say something disdainful in front of everyone, or even without others. And I am very fearful of this insult, because it gives me a very bad feeling. The fear of hurting the "I," especially when it is a child who is still growing up, who hasn't yet conquered his own place or agreed with his place in society, it is a very important thing for him. He is willing to sacrifice himself, as long as he doesn't lose his “I.” It develops particularly during adolescence, in order to give a person a strong push into life, so he will develop as socially and personally as possible.

That is why society is so important to us during those years. What will they say? How will they treat me? It is nature that develops such drives in us, by which we advance. And you say “no,” he should not follow the society that looks large, strong and impudent. But he also wants to be impudent, he also wants to take no one into account, his ego wants that. Except that he is also ashamed, he might get beat up, perhaps his father and mother will slap him and so forth.

In short, everything is a calculation. After all, Man is only a piece of ego that constantly makes calculations. On the one hand, he wants to own the whole world; on the other hand he is scared: "Perhaps I'll get beat up, maybe it'll be worthwhile, it might be difficult, etc." Then, he calculates: yes or no. Even the wildest children, each one of them is bashful, and each one of them is impudent and each one of them is also a coward. The difference is only in their calculations, along with the intenseness of these traits and the type of combination of traits they have. But, all in all, each person has a calculation, how to maintain himself at maximum profit.

So we need to see what is within the child, the extent of fears and anxieties he has, along with how much impudence he has. What calculation he makes: right or wrong. How much I can go wild, how fearful I should be, what punishment I'll get, what I'll gain from it. After all, it is a calculation of profit and loss regarding the ego. That is why it is necessary to constantly talk with him and explain these things to him. Not every parent is capable of doing that.

Oren: People naturally find it difficult, which is why we're here.

That is why we're discussing the course.

Oren: Certainly.

Like every person, a parent needs to know the inner structure of the child. Particularly with a child where these things are dominant and the society's opinion of him is very important along with the inner pain, it is important to explain to him how to prevent it and prefer something else, above all these sharp and very sensitive calculations.

Oren: Can I, as a parent of a child fearful of being hurt, talk or by another means, enter the inner place of the child who doesn't connect with others, the place where he makes that calculation?

No.

Oren: I cannot enter.

Excuse me, but I can't count on you. However, if you truly want to treat such a child, bring him for treatment to the workshop, to a discernment of things. Not scrutiny of the inner issues, as no child would speak about them, rather specifically having them sit and talk together.

Oren: In what forum should the discussion be conducted?

In a forum of five, ten or fifteen children.

Oren: The same group?

Yes, all groups, it does not matter.

Oren: Can it be the group where he is shy and does not connect with the others?

Yes, and there he also begins connecting with the others.

Oren: How does the miracle happen?

There has to be a professional that shifts them around and organizes them in such a way that they begin to speak among them and clarify things, in a way nobody can escape. First of all, we explain who they are, how fearful they are, how much they understand and are clever, heroes and so on, aiming to bring all the children to equality from the start. Everybody has the same thing, the only difference is that in some it is expressed this way and in others a different way, each one and his own character. But everyone has the same things. Don't say that you are a hero, because we'll bring something that you will also be afraid of. If we bring a lion or police officer or your father or children who are several years older than you, let's see what a hero you will be in front of them. Meaning, everything is a relative calculation. It's not that we want to destroy their ego, no, but we want them to understand that all these things need to be balanced.

Hence, we give them examples and movies and then talk about the short film we saw, discuss the story we heard. We have to do it that way. We can't just take some episode from life and think: “I want to correct it.” If you stabilize the person, you have to lead them to that, through the system which constantly nurtures them, until he leaves at the age of 17, 18, when he's already grown up and it continues afterwards as well. You can't count on parents, no matter how much we talk about it here. That is why when you ask me as a parent what I should do, I have no interest in telling you anything.

Oren: Why?

Because whom am I talking to? I am talking to an ordinary parent, who knows nothing, including about himself and his own life and he himself is a total failure. So, what will I tell him, tell your child this or that? He doesn't hear what I want him to hear. By the time he comes home, he has a thousand problems and things that upset him, so how can I count on my treatment reaching the child correctly? It's impossible. He will just come to me later, complaining that I misled him. That is why you shouldn't let parents educate children. They are incapable to do so, because they did not receive education themselves.

I don't see this program’s purpose in giving the parents a bonus or tips, they won't help. Parents are miserable too, they themselves, don't understand what to do. Look at our world; this is the world of parents. Are you happy with it?

Oren: Of course not, because nobody taught them to be parents.

So now, do you want them to know how to be parents according to some little piece of advice?

Oren: Not a little piece of advice, a big, wise and deep one.

Then bring the parents to intensive care and through them, start educating the children. And not only through them, but in school and various places, through appropriate TV channels and so on.

Oren: Then our next talk might be about treatment for parents. But now we have to conclude, because our time is up. Thank you in the meantime, Dr Laitman, and it seems you'll have to treat us next time. Thank you, Nitza. Thank you all for being with us, come next time, it will be interesting. All the best, “The New Life.”