How to Deal With Jealousy and Competition Between Siblings

Jealousy between siblings, competition, self-realization. Raising children is not simple. A broader view of human nature can help us understand what we should guide them toward from an early age so that they grow up to become successful and happy people.

First, we should understand that everything within us comes from nature. The question is simply how to learn to use every inclination for good. Jealousy is a driving force that can greatly advance a person. We certainly should not destroy it, and jealousy between siblings also plays an important role in their development.

Here is a simple example of jealousy: a child is playing with a toy and enjoying it very much. Their sibling comes along and snatches the toy away. Suddenly, the sibling wants to play with that very toy, right now. What is actually happening here? The second child does not really need that particular toy. Instead, they are jealous of the enjoyment they see the first child experiencing. It seems to them that if they play with that particular toy, they too will enjoy themselves just as much.

In fact, this is what happens to us throughout our lives. We see other people making certain accomplishments, become jealous, and are convinced that if we make the same accomplishments, we too will be happy. But that is not necessarily true at all. We might not have the qualities and abilities required to develop in those particular directions, and our happiness might lie elsewhere. “Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot,” the sages said. I do not need to be like someone else in order to experience happiness. I need to realize what is unique within me in the best possible way.

Back to the children. As parents, an argument over a toy is an opportunity to begin an educational process. We can approach the child whose toy was taken and quietly say, “Let’s do an experiment together. Your sibling really wants this toy. Give it to them for a moment, and the two of us will use the clock to see how long it takes before they stop playing with it and put it aside.”

First of all, we are demonstrating a good example of giving in. In addition, once things have calmed down, we can all sit together and talk about what happened, with the goal of learning something about human nature. We can explore questions such as: What did each person feel during this process? What did the sibling feel when they saw the other child playing and enjoying themselves? What did the child feel when the toy was taken away? What feelings arose after they agreed to give the toy to their sibling? Why did the other child stop playing with it after a while?

One insight that should emerge from the discussion is that the issue is not really that particular toy. We can pick up another game, become absorbed in it, and enjoy it just as much.

Another insight is that no one likes having something taken from them by force. If I do not want someone to snatch something from me tomorrow, it is worthwhile for me to restrain myself today. After all, before long my sibling will finish with the toy, and then I will be able to play with it. A pleasant atmosphere is created when there is mutual connection and consideration for everyone, rather than attention only to my own impulses and whatever I happen to want right now.

In general, one of the important tools in raising children is to continually talk in their presence about what we see, think, and do. At home, on the street, in the park, wherever we are together, it is worthwhile to talk and explain out loud what is going through our minds regarding one situation or another. This is how children learn how we relate to different occurrences, and this will help them behave similarly even when they are on their own, that they examine, evaluate, and discern certain phenomena.

As for competition between siblings, it is worthwhile to establish a norm of positive competition within the family. In other words, we should encourage competition over who helps others more, who is more willing to give in, and so on. These values of mutual consideration are what we should respect and appreciate.

It is very important that we provide children with such examples. For instance, if a father and child are together in the living room, at an appropriate moment the father might say something like, “Excuse me for a moment. I need to go see Mom in the kitchen and check whether she needs any help.” He may return a minute or two later, but the impression created by this supportive attitude will already have left its mark.

In addition, it is worthwhile to create games in which success can only be achieved together, games that build connection. The basic principles of such games are: a) the competition is not against one another, but against an external factor such as time or a previous record; b) the participants are mutually dependent on each other; and c) there is a common goal.

Here is an example of a connection-building game: we cover our eyes, stand in a line one behind the other, hold on to one another, and try to move through the house like a convoy, without separating or bumping into obstacles. To increase the level of difficulty and make the game more challenging, additional rules can of course be introduced according to the children’s age and the circumstances.

Education, then, means guiding children through deliberate exercises and deliberate examinations, that is, actions that do not naturally arise from a person’s egoistic nature. Connection-building games, good examples, and family discussions will together build a new system of values in the child until habit becomes second nature. When the child has two points of view, one arising from their egoistic impulses and the other from values of connection and mutuality, they will be able to develop and grow.

Ultimately, the greatest enjoyment lies in an optimal connection with others. Projecting a positive attitude toward others will encourage people to support us in return, elevate the human spirit within us, and open entire worlds before us. Wishing us all great success!

Based on "New Life 215 – Sibling Relationships, Part 2" with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.