eng_t_rav_2012-06-27_program_haim-hadashim_n24

Dr. Michael Laitman

A New Life

Talk #24 – Relationships: Men’s Fear of Marriage and Commitment, The Women’s Character and its Malfunction in our Times

Talk June 27, 2012

Oren: Hello and thank you for joining us for the New Life series with Dr. Michael Laitman. Hello, Dr. Laitman.

Dr. Laitman: Hello

Oren: Hello Orit and Nitzah Mazoz. Orit Dolev is a psychologist who works with couples and Nitzah is a private coach. We are here today to speak about how we can take our lives to a much better place. We feel all kinds of problems in life, in connections between people in the family. Such as problems between parents and children. And the point of our talks is to see how to take these connections with people to a better place; to transform life to a better life.

Today we are going to continue our previous discussion and focus on building relationships between couples. Orit, can you tell us about a specific case dealing with a couple so that we can feel the problem and give them practical tools? Can you dress in the characters and tell it as if the story is about you?

Orit: I lived with a person for three years in the same house like any couple. Everything was fine. There were ups and downs, but the bottom line is that it was wonderful. We were waiting for the stage where we would make this serious decision to tie the knot and it was looking like it was going in that direction.

Dr. Laitman: You mean, getting married?

Orit: Yes, getting married. The families were waiting for it.

Dr. Laitman: Why?

Orit: Because we were living together for three years.

Dr. Laitman: What do they need? You are together already. So, what is the problem?

Orit: To advance in the relationship. To raise a family and not just to be two single people living in the same apartment. To make a family.

Dr. Laitman: What is the difference?

Orit: We share everything. We live in one apartment.

Dr. Laitman: But, what is missing?

Orit: Ketubah (marriage contract), marriage, kids, wedding

Dr. Laitman: A wedding, you do for your relatives. Who needs the wedding?

Oren: Let us understand the problem that they have. They were together for three years and planning the wedding.

Orit: The more we began talking about the wedding and getting closer to the date that we set, I felt that he was getting more and more pressured. He started to get cold feet.

Oren: The man?

Orit: Yes. And sometimes he would just take off, until finally he broke up with me altogether. And after a short while he came back and wanted to be together. But he does not want to obligate himself. He does not want to talk about the wedding. He wants us to be together, but he does not want to be obligated. He wants to go on the way we were.

I am sure he loves me. I know that he loves me. But there is a paradox here: I am getting older. I want to be a mother. I want to advance in life. And I have real difficulty through his lack of willingness to obligate himself.

I was surprised that the exact same thing happened to two very close friends of mine who were also in a relationship; they broke up at the same time that we broke up. After a certain period, they understood that the other person was not very serious, that he was not willing to obligate himself.

So, I wanted to verify what the source is of their difficulty to obligate.

Dr. Laitman: You.

Orit: They obligate themselves to work.

Dr. Laitman: All the obligations are not eternal. They are not for eternity. He is actually obligating himself to something that he cannot run away from. He feels that he is in handcuffs. He feels that he is in prison. It is an internal prison. Not an external prison that you can run away from, that you can sweeten in some way. Here, he must be obligated.

A child, a man, feels himself good when he is free. Completely free. His mother is looking at him from behind and smiling while he is running in the field. He comes back to her with dirty clothes and is hungry. She will wash all his clothes and feed him. She does everything for him. That is what a home is to him. That every moment, he can go where he wants. He can take off, have his life, come home and will always be received with warmth and love.

And here, with you, he feels that he owes you something. But he also has a sense of freedom. He has an open door in the back. When this door is closed and there is wall behind it, it is very difficult. It is very difficult to accept that.

I am telling you what I know from my inner feeling and my ability to dress in other men. That is how it is. Men feel that it is something that is very, very scary. Later, he will get through it. He will get passed this internal obstacle. He will see that it is okay and it is not the end of the world. But there is that obstacle.

There are some men that just cannot get over it. They are not capable. Some can. They look at the society and are ashamed, jealous. They have honour, obligation, pressure from society and all those things help him get over it.

But we see, that from the side of nature there is no such thing. From nature’s side, a man says, “I married this woman and that woman.” That is how it was in previous decades and previous cultures. A man would go to some place to hunt and hang out. A man was always more free. And here, it also depends on a woman as to what extent that she shows him that he remains free and is not getting into some deep hole.

Orit: He was very happy.

Dr. Laitman: He was happy. But now you are telling him that he must obligate to more. He must obligate himself to make kids and a home and everything needs to be good.

Orit: He is not afraid of me and the marriage? He is afraid of the kids?

Dr. Laitman: He is worried about the obligation and losing his freedom. You cannot understand that because a woman's character is different. She wants to be dependent. She wants someone to be hers and that she will be his. She feels that this complements her. It is not the same for a man. For a man, it is a prison. What tastes like cake to a woman is a bitter cake to a man. It is exactly like that. We are very different in that way.

Orit: So, it is an axiom? There are some people that are happily married.

Dr. Laitman: If he understands that from you he receives different types of pleasures that only you can give to him, then it is worth it for him.

Orit: So, for three years I was under the illusion that I gave him everything, everything was so great and that I filled him. And he was actually empty?

Dr. Laitman: Apparently now you need, as much as possible (if it is still possible) to give him the feeling of pleasure that is greater than it was before. Or to change the feeling of an obligation, a prison, which he feels as the end of his life. It is a very difficult psychological problem for men.

Orit: Do you think it is a modern problem that people want to just enjoy themselves and not take anything seriously or take responsibility?

Dr. Laitman: It is hard to point to one thing because we are truly living in a very confused manner. I am talking about men. Regular men. Today, an average man is confused. He does not know by what tastes he is living or what desires he has. Are they his desires or society's desires?

But I am telling you that in the most natural way, where we always look to nature, men were never obligated. They were not obligated like they are today. Today we feel obligated.

There is a legal system on top of us with a stick. It is standing there with a stick and is ready to punish us for each and every little thing.  I see that everywhere on walls in the streets there are many ads with phone numbers about men's rights.

Apparently, many of them are suffering and do not know how to get out of their obligations. They even need to call places to learn about their rights. There are other issues. They must verify everything. There are many different reasons that they do not want to get married. Apart from that, I do not think it is a problem that men do not want to marry.

Women also do not want to get married. There are lots of cases that I know about. The modern man or woman who look at their life today, see that they must invest twenty years in raising children. The first seven or eight years you will be busy; let’s say until they go to school at the age of six.

But even more so, our lives are not organized to raise kids. Women must go to work. There are after school activities. They must pay for this and that. It is crazy. He is obligated for twenty years. After twenty years, the child may leave the house. It is the main twenty years out of your life. First your childhood and then old age; the age from twenty-five to forty-five is your whole life. And we are investing it in someone who is not even going to say ‘thank you’ and is just going to say ‘bye’.

Apart from this, we are so egoistic in this generation that we do not even feel connection or love in relation to kids as we used to feel. We feel less. There are so many things confusing us, attracting our attention and our hearts. And we see this phenomenon is increasing.

Orit: Is it a pleasure to raise a family. Men do not feel like realizing themselves?

Dr. Laitman: It is the opinion of society. If society looks at a woman and sees her as a housekeeper, it is not impressed. But if she is advanced, she is in the Knesset, she is in the government, that is something! But if she is just a housekeeper, she is just wearing rags and diapers all the time, what is good about that?

And it is hard to raise kids in modern conditions. In the old days, we used to send them to school and that was it. Nowadays, there are after school programs and extra lessons and society is giving me all kinds of standards. It is very hard to manage. I must earn money to maintain the family, my husband, my car to take them to all these places, and pay for all kinds of things. For what?

So, when we get into a relationship with a man, we decide to live for ourselves. Why do we need kids? For what? It is just for pleasure. Because we are a will to receive pleasure. I still do not discover that it is worth it for me to go for this pleasure. It is doubtful.

Orit: To raise kids?

Dr. Laitman: Yes, of course. I am not sure it is going to be pleasurable to raise kids. I have many other things. I have society and friends that are like me and we hang out with our husbands. It is a husband. This is how we live. Why do I need to be obligated to all kinds of things? Also, I feel myself free with my ego and everything. Maybe in a few years we will split up. And I will be with someone and he will be with someone else. So, what? And we stay friends and we meet up afterwards. What is wrong with that? And then when we are older I have a pension from work and I have savings. I go into a housing facility. What will I have instead? I will go to live with my kids, in their house? Everything is organized in this way; that a person makes calculations.

Orit: I want to ask you something to get focused.

We know from different sources that women have a need to implement their motherhood (a need to be mother). There are also women that are not married that implement their motherhood. Do men have the same need? Do they feel that they need to be parents?

Dr. Laitman: No

Orit: Men do not need to realize their fatherhood?

Dr. Laitman: They can do it. He will sign a contract with some woman that says he is obligated to pay her a certain amount of money every month. But not that he owes her anything. He does not owe himself to her. Only just to cover expenses.

Do you want to have a kid?

Orit: Yes.

Dr. Laitman: Great. I want to have a kid. We will make a contract. You will get this amount of money every month.

Orit: Any amount that I need?

Dr. Laitman: It does not matter. We go to doctor and get ourselves checked. We are healthy and we both want a child. Everything is great and it is legal. I am giving the child everything, even my name. But I do not owe you anything.

Orit: That is an interesting deal. It might work.

Dr. Laitman: But you did not buy me. Half of my pocket is yours, but I am not yours. And this is a completely different story. I know that I pay for my son who is growing up. I come to visit him and we are together and we take trips together. No problem.

The problem is spiritually. I do not feel that I have been sold; that I belong to someone and have someone managing me. It is a very difficult thing for a man. That is what a modern family wants to tie him into. And that is why he runs away. We need to check, are we building the correct society that a man can survive in or not?

Nitzah: It is a huge question. I understood that there are good reasons to stay separately and not connect. The question is, in building our future society, should it be a connection?

Dr. Laitman: I do not know about the future society. I am saying a fact. Today, if we advance the way we are, then of course we will see things change. In the Arab Muslim population, they used to have fifteen kids in the family and now they have three or four. And it is the same in the whole world. So, instead of seven billion it will be one or two billion. It does not matter. Why do animals go into extinction and we do not?

Nitzah: So, maybe it is not important to connect.

Dr. Laitman: Do you want to cover the earth with people or do you want your desire filled? Our desire is not to be in a family and not to have kids.

Oren: Let's go precisely from the side of a man. We are not looking at the general public. We have a man who is afraid of obligation and losing his freedom and he feels as though he is in handcuffs.

Dr. Laitman: And the woman also wants to advance in the modern society. She has all kinds of things that are attracting her.

Oren: We understand the situation that we are in today. Men and women are afraid to realize the relationship for their own separate reasons. In this reality, can we give guidance, direction, or tips so that despite these difficulties that everyone is feeing, they can still build a marriage between them?

Dr. Laitman: Yes, if you raise the importance of it.

Oren: For example, before you gave women very practical advice. It depends on how much she allows him to feel that he remains free and is not going into a deep hole. And then she will get all kinds of pleasures from him. What does she have to do if she wants to realize this direction?

Dr. Laitman: The maximum that she must do, is to be like his mother in the way she relates to him. She allows him everything. She says, “I just enjoy you existing the way you are.” Let us start from there. And to this extent she can advance to build limitations, to organize him, and set boundaries.

Let us say that you are not allowed to cheat on me. Let us agree that you bring your wages home. Let us agree that you come home every day after work except for Monday and Thursday when you go drinking with your friends or something. Once a week we go to a coffee shop. We will go to the mall or go for a walk together. To the extent that she can, she must organize these things in the correct way. In other words, she will do whatever he wants. We go to the place that she chooses but the way that he wants to go.

Oren: Say it again.

Dr. Laitman: We go on a trip. We go out to the street and she takes his arm. They walk down the street and he says,” Let us go this way” and she says “OK, this street.” But where are they going? Where is, she taking him? They go the way the man wants. For a man, it is important for him to be leading. But the woman determines where they go.

That is the wisdom of life. There is no couple if you do not know how to connect these things together. There is no couple. A couple is a system of two opposite forces in creation: a man and a woman.

You must be very smart about this. There is a reason that we have developed into such a confused generation. It is because this confusion, this lack, teaches us to rise to a state where we will understand our nature and will know how to manage it. We cannot just live and go with the flow like yesterday. This crisis will teach us and obligate us to be smart, to know our nature, to correct it and rise above it.

Orit: So, this woman that waited three years and did things his way. She did not pressure him and she went at his pace. Then they started talking about the place that she wanted to get to. And in the end, they did not get there. What went wrong?

Dr. Laitman: It went wrong because she does not understand his nature. She did not work properly with him.

Orit: Three years is not enough?

Dr. Laitman: It does not matter. It could be thirty years. You have millions of couples that do not know how to get pass this psychological obstacle.

Orit: How can they get through it?

Dr. Laitman: For this you need to learn how to be smart and understand your nature, his nature and how to manage things. It is not simple. But first for example, is he connected to his mother or not? Here are a few tips.

Orit: Connected to his mother?

Dr. Laitman: Yes or no? If he is connected to his mother, you need to be connected to her. You must. You can achieve everything through her. What you cannot say to him, she will say to him and he will accept it.

Now the question is, to what extent can you be connected to her? You must, if you want to get him. You must buy her. And that is a huge work with your ego and all kinds of calculations. You need to be smart. You invite them. You go to them. Do all kinds of things that are not that pleasant. But that is the way it is.

The second thing to do, is to give presents to the family. Get into the family so you will be closer to his family than he is. Then, he will feel that you belong to his family and not that he lives with you on the side. These little psychological obstacles are very, very important for a man. You will connect him to you in the most natural and surest way.

You might invite his married sister or brother over to your house. He will see an example of marriage from his family. Correct or not correct? They come to your home for an evening with their children where you make the food and everything. There is a question here about what is happening with you. Why don't you have kids? Why don't you get married? You are not the one asking; it is his mother, it is his brother or sister.

You must be sneaky in a good way to achieve what you want. But the whole time you are building this, it must be real and not fake. And on the other hand, through this, you are building your family inside his family. It is like in the old times. And that is why it works. You are not talking to him about it. You are just honouring his relatives and the home that he came from.

In those three years that you have been together, did you give his mother a present or something? That is how you become a part of a family.

Orit: And if he is not connected to his family?

Dr. Laitman: If he does not have a family, then do this with his friends. You need to go into his group or his circles at work. They are going fishing. There is no place there for women. But you prepare a basket for them. Not just for him, but for everyone. Or they can even take you with them to cook for them. You must show him that he just cannot manage without you. That you are taking upon yourself this love, this service. This is how you buy a man.

Then he does not feel that he is in prison and must check all the time if the door behind him is open. Just the opposite. He feels a need. Where is she? I cannot do anything without her. It is like a child without his mother; he is always looking to see where she is. You must have a picture like this all the time: that a man is a child. And then he has no problem to stay with you and be with you his all life.

Nitzah: It is amazing. It is amazing because what you said is that it is hard for a man to obligate himself, to dedicate himself. And what you described is a woman dedicating herself to his family and friends. She wants him to dedicate himself, but she needs to dedicate herself in the end. And truly then it happens naturally without effort.

Dr. Laitman: You do not need to talk about getting married or not getting married. It is not relevant. His family and friends will unconsciously understand that it must be. How can you disconnect this relationship? And then you say to the mother, “You know, I think I am pregnant and I am afraid to tell him.” And then she finishes it off. Do not worry. If you buy his relatives, it is impossible that a normal man can not relate to that. They will put pressure on him.

Orit: Are there connections of couples that do not suit each other? Maybe the woman is more successful than the man and he feels this?

Dr. Laitman: We want to give tips for each of those. There are men that like having strong women in control. He lies in bed with TV and newspaper and he is happy. He drives a taxi, comes home, and he does not care about anything. The woman is in politics and all kinds of things. He has his football and is happy. There are people that like that. There are people that do not like that and need to be macho. There is a price for everything. There are people that do not need it. It depends. It all depends on our egoistic calculations. What is good? What is worth it or what is not worth it?

Orit: How to save the broken hearts of women who waited for so long and did not operate the way you said? If they are too successful and their spouse is incapable of handling it?

Dr. Laitman: You must find a suitable man.

Orit: How do you do that?

Dr. Laitman: A suitable man is in the same society as you, but you just cannot identify him. The suitable man is close to you. But you are looking according to what society is presenting to you; that he needs to be in a certain type of job. And these men are at work. They are not looking to get married. If they want a woman, they have people on the side whenever they want. You do not need those kinds of men. You need a man that is looking to be in a warm home.

You need to look at it through different eyes. The problem is that our society, through advertising, media, TV, and everything, really confuse the woman. She looks at things in a non-natural way. A woman, according to nature, knows what is good for her if she is not confused. That is what we are talking about. She looks at the man and she says, “He suits me.” She knows by looking at him that he suits me at home, in the kitchen, the bed, the kids. She can feel from nature – that is it! There is an instinct like that. The problem is that it is ruined nowadays. And she does not know how to clean it and use it properly.

Orit: Do men have an instinct like that?

Dr. Laitman: Men do not. Men do not need it because they control. In nature, they control. They do not have to check it. He looks and sees that she is healthy and that is enough. Give me children.

Orit: Today, if she is making ten thousand shekels it is okay. Twenty thousand is even better. That is what is happening.

Oren: Let us go back to the woman. According to nature, a woman can feel if a man suits her or not. And you said that today she has all kinds of standards and her instinct has become ruined. So, what tips can you give her to bring that natural guidance back?

Dr. Laitman: All the changes can come only through the correct environment; that she will fight the usual environment.

Oren: That is at the social level.

Dr. Laitman: But I do not know how else to change, alter a woman in order to give her some new perspective, a new format, a new template for looking at the world in a natural, correct way and not through the advertisements, and all these characters and material things.

Oren: Let us try to talk to this woman. She is listening now. Let us talk to her. The point is to awaken in her, this instinct to feel this feeling: he suits me. We are giving her this first message. Not through great wisdom, rather we are talking emotionally to her heart and in one gram you can start awakening this feeling in her.

Dr. Laitman: From our childhood and onward we are made up of lots of characters, images and stigmas. It operates on us, and it is in us in our subconscious and we are always measuring, checking and comparing between what we see and what is inside of us. It is difficult to neutralize these things. You need something stronger to replace them.

If you ask me, I would take them out in nature. Take them camping for a month or two and give them some good training about nature. Take off all the make-up and all their normal things and teach them to be natural. Then she would look at men and see what suits her and not according to social standards.

In the future, I hope this will be corrected by the fact that society will be an equal society; where everyone will be equal, more or less. Equal in wages, the way we relate to status, all these types of things. Then the natural gene inside a woman will awaken and she will have this instinct to choose a man according to what is most suitable for her.

Oren: In the meantime, is there something else we want to add to this specific image that we have been speaking of? Or do you have some other image that would help us advance slightly?

Dr. Laitman: Take twenty women like her.

Oren: I do not have them.

Dr. Laitman: But psychologists have them. Take twenty women, put them in a circle and start a training course with all kinds of workshops and then they will see how it will renew things. But just in this short talk, we can simply raise the issues and nothing else.

Oren: Let us open another picture. Do you want something else?

Orit: I want to talk about research that was conducted. It is quite old. They took a herd of female sheep and put them into a narrow stall and on the sides, there were three pictures of three different males in the herd. Each one would stand in front of the three males. They saw how she looked at the picture of the male and chose one. Each female sheep chose something else. Which is also interesting; the selection in nature according to external things, or their face. They could not smell them. They just looked at the pictures.

Dr. Laitman: Apparently, it was enough. At least according to how the sheep felt when she looked at the picture she could choose between the three.

But it is not enough. The animal level needs smell and the way they move. They have lots of internal information. Sometimes we also feel one another like that on the inside. It is clear. There is something to learn from the sheep.

Orit: Maybe, one of them is a model. It was interesting to see that they went to different directions.

Oren: Is there another example? I think we should get one more picture, one more example. I am trying to understand how old you are. Are you seventy? How old are you? How old are these people?

Orit: They are thirty-something.

Now in this example we are around the age of twenty. We are in the middle of our twenties. I have a boyfriend for four years and we went through a lot together. Throughout this relationship, I studied and advanced and I said he should do the same. But he did not really feel like it.

Dr. Laitman: To develop how?

Orit: To find work. To develop. This pace didn’t really suit me and we got to the point where there was nothing left to talk to him about. I do not want to disconnect and stop this relationship; it is not pleasant for me. It is a long-term relationship and there is love there, but I can almost say that I am bored.

Dr. Laitman: What would I suggest?

Oren: If I understand correctly, this woman understands that it does not really suit her but she is afraid to leave the relationship?

Orit: Yes.

Oren: That is the reality? What are we dealing with? What is the issue? She understands it does not suit her because she is advancing forward and he is stuck in one spot and does not want to move. And she understands that there is a lack of compatibility, but she is afraid to leave the relationship. Is that the situation?

Orit: She is continuing to develop and the gap is growing.

Dr. Laitman: The gap will continue to grow. This will be the problem if she cannot reconcile with it. But maybe when they have kids and he will be an excellent father, he will play with the kids and take care of them. And their kids will have such a good time with the father that she will really appreciate him and love him and will not want anything else from him. There is such a thing. But she needs to know if he has an inclination that way. Is he like that? Because then of course they can remain together.

However, if that does not happen either, and if he is lazy in everything including with the kids, then she cannot appreciate him. Since intelligence is at the highest point of her values, even if he fulfils her in all kinds of other things, it will not cover the gap in education and intelligence. Unless he will be so wonderful and dedicated to the kids. Then she will feel that he is really a necessity and she will love him for that.

So, here she can do some filling in. “That is hard, isn't it?” Not in advancing to all kinds of other things. He will learn with the kids, he will play with them. Let us see. That can be the solution. But if not, if she does not feel that he is that way, she must divorce him. She needs to separate from him.

Orit: I have two things that are slightly difficult. On the one hand, I see he has no aspiration to develop. You said, he is lazy. He is sort of lazy. How can I help him to be a good father?

Dr. Laitman: How can I know if he is a good father? There are lots of signs. That is his only chance to remain. Because otherwise, this lacking that you feel will just keep growing. You will be ashamed of him. You will start disconnecting and getting far away from him. Even kids will not help this disregard, this contempt you will have for him. But if you love to grow and succeed, do you even need the kids? That is the question.

Nitzah: What she described is a phenomenon that we see with women and with men also. But women are afraid to break things up even if they understand the relationship is not taking them to a good place. Where is this fear from? And how can you help a woman that understands that it is an unhealthy relationship?

Dr. Laitman: It is not simple for a man either. Maybe he can have another relationship on the side. Because it is in his nature and in animals also. But a woman is more dedicated. She gets used to things, feels belonging and enjoys it. In nature, everyone enjoys things from a different place. A man enjoys from having a few women (like at the animal level) and a woman enjoys from having a man that is hers.

Today it is difficult to disconnect. If you are not obligated, why disconnect? There is profit against the loss. And everyone asks themselves that. But still, it is on the condition that it is not important to them to make a family.

There is no recommendation how to break up. Especially for a woman. It is a problem. You can only do it with the help of an environment, the society. She must press a little bit. Or without pressure, she can go in forcibly among her friends that have children and then she will see how much it attracts her or disgusts her. And then she will see.

Orit: And then she will be glued to this need.

Dr. Laitman: Possibly through books and movies about this subject. She will start bringing up this natural instinct of motherhood; scratching it. We have no option to go against what is inside. We need some external force influencing us and making a new balance. It can be through a book series, television series, heroes, psychologists, it does not matter. It must be.

Orit: So, after all these things we will reach a state where our first choice of the couple will be correct? There will not be another boyfriend and another attempt and another attempt?

Dr. Laitman: The single choice will be correct from the point of nature. I think that it is a destructive thing that there are many relations in life from the woman’s side. Not the man's side. Because if we are talking about influences, from the woman’s side, even if she is not married to him she gets his DNA from him. I mean, if she gets married or does not get married, and has a child with somebody else, it is not somebody else’s. It is the first man’s that she had. That is how it is. Nature cannot stand this. Nature does not stand this.

Nitzah: They continue living in her in some way, even after they are gone?

Dr. Laitman: Of course, it does not matter. There are examples like that in nature. Zebras lived with normal horses, regular donkeys, and they did all kinds of things to not get pregnant. And then when they were really with their type, there were zebra stripes on the regular horse.

A woman that lives with a man takes from him, his internality. And then this comes up in the kids that she has with somebody else. Our verifications are not enough. This is clear. Today, it is known from scientific research. It was known in all generations.

Oren: I still want to go back to this picture.

Dr. Laitman: It is not natural for a woman to go through a few hands. It will not happen. This is just the confusion that we go through.

Oren: We only have a few moments left.

This picture that we drew: A woman who is not married and is in a connection for a few years with a man and it looks like it is going to a bad place. Nitzah emphasized here that naturally a woman is scared to break off a connection even when she sees it is going to a bad place. How can we help her to have a healthy grasp on life so that she will not stay in a relationship that she sees is not going to the right place? How can we help her focus? It looks like it is going to a bad place but because of the woman's nature, she is afraid to break off the relationship. Let us say that it is my daughter. I see that she is going to make this mistake, but she has not made it yet; she is not married. This is the time to break it off.

Dr. Laitman: Try to organize a different environment that would shake her out of it and bring her correct values. The ‘correct values’ mean that you must get married and you must have children.

Oren: Instead of her personal development?

Dr. Laitman: Not instead.

Oren: She has a man that…

Dr. Laitman: I am her father. This is my daughter.

Oren: No. You are getting mixed up. That was the first picture. Here we have a woman that is naturally attracted to advancing and developing herself and they have been together for four years. She is growing and he is stuck in the same place and does not want to learn, does not want to develop himself.

Let us say it is my daughter and I look and I see that they do not suit each other. They are not married yet. There are no kids. There is nothing. Is this the time?

Dr. Laitman: But is he a good man?

Oren: Possibly.

Dr. Laitman: Does he do everything at home?

Oren: You said that if you can see that he is going to be a great father it is worth it.

Let us take the other case. Let us say that you do not see that he is going to be a good father. I do not see that he has a good interaction with kids. It does not look good. It does not look like he is going to be a good father but, the woman is afraid to break off the relationship and she is hard to get out of it. But I am the father, and I see it. What advice can I give my daughter? She is at the beginning of life.

Dr. Laitman: If she needs to disconnect from him then it is clear. You need to bring some impressions from the side that show disregard and contempt for this guy.

Orit: I do not get it. What does it mean to bring impressions from the side?

Dr. Laitman: You say to this woman, “Who are you living with? What is this? Do you suit each other? Who is he? What is he?' He works as a plumber in your house?”

Nitzah: There is a woman who told me that before she got married, even the guy's brother and his friend told him that you have no idea what you are doing. And really, the problems came. She did not pay attention to those warnings.

Dr. Laitman: Again, we are talking about the influence of the environment.

Orit: But the question again is, it is not going to a good place, but still, I am marrying him.

Dr. Laitman: If you are insisting on marrying, there is nothing that can be done. What? Do you want somebody to come to her forcibly?

Orit: The parents can. But here we have the influence of the environment that is not succeeding in influencing her. And the trouble comes later.

Dr. Laitman: I do not think there is anything to be done. It is possible that she will suddenly discover another guy that can awaken the other love.

Oren: About who are you asking? Let us say we did it. We organized people and they came and said, “Look, he is not for you.” But she is still staying in the relationship. So, who do you want to get the advice? Her? You want us to say something to her? What are you looking for?

Orit: I want her to smarten up.

Oren: So what? Do you want it directly? We brought people around from the side saying, “He is not good for you.”

Orit: What I am saying is, is there a way to help a person to smarten up so that he is not locked in? That he does not see the next stage where he is going to fall into a hole?

Oren: Do you have advice?

Dr. Laitman: Nothing else helps. No. Let it happen. In what you are talking about, I say that you need an environment, a society. The society manages a person. If you say that there is no such thing, then there is no such a thing.

Oren: You are saying to write a check and come to the wedding!

Orit: So, you are saying we did not bring a strong enough environment.

Oren: I think they came and said, “Who is this rubbish guy?”

Dr. Laitman: Apart from this force on the side that you brought that did not work, she is getting married. So, after the wedding go and check. Did it work out or not? If not, then apply pressure. We must always worry about the environment regardless if they have kids or not. The person is a result of the environment.

Oren: We need to conclude with something positive. From a person's natural instinct, how does he find the perfect spouse?

Dr. Laitman: We need to organize the psychologists so that they would start filling the internet with the correct material and then we will not get mixed up. And then we will finally marry correctly!

Oren: And on this optimistic note, I want to thank Dr. Laitman, Orit and Nitzah. Thank you for being with us.

Come next time and maybe there will be a wedding. All the best and goodbye.

(End of the conversation)