Today's episode discusses an excerpt from Kabbalist Baruch Shalom HaLevi Ashlag (RABASH). He writes in his article Discernments in States: “A man and a woman, if they are rewarded, the Shechina [Divinity] is between them.” We should ask, If they are opposite, how can there be peace between them? “It is specifically when one becomes worthy, when he inverts reception into bestowal, called ‘receiving in order to bestow,’ there is peace between them. Otherwise, they are in dispute or that one yields before the other. Yielding is not regarded as love in wholeness, for the one who yields always waits for when he will regain the power of control.”

A strong relationship is like an animal that you need to constantly feed in order to continuously grow it. You feed this animal with mutual concessions. Moreover, for those who have their own families, the mutual concessions need to include all family members, and you need to teach children about this animal that you need to concede to. That is the basic principle of holding a strong relationship, and enjoying it. While it might appear as if you do not enjoy conceding to your relationship partner, because you might think that the other side subdues you—you will actually find that you do enjoy it, because by doing so, you enliven the “animal,” the relationship. It seems as if the weak side concedes, but if we do what the other side cannot do, then we are not weak—we come out the hero. The hero is actually the one who concedes. We need to respect that quality more. Your partner should be proud of you and honor your overcoming of yourself and your concession to them. If you have children, then your partner would tell them about it, and how it brings them real satisfaction.

Disney movies taught entire generations what ideal love looks like. In a classic format, a woman in distress is saved by a knight on a white horse, they fall in love and live happily ever after. In these movies, it is usually love at first sight. Is this how love is supposed to be? Love at first sight is not true love, and it is thus unsustainable. True love, rather, has a different foundation, infrastructure and reason. To love is the meaning of life. There is nothing greater than love. When love fulfills us, we are alive. When love disappears, it is worse than death. Love is when we have something that we can do for another person, and it fulfills and enlivens us. There is no stronger emotion than love. Why does love fade away? It is because we have to renew it. Love is like a pet that we need to constantly feed. By doing so, we can continually renew our love up to a point where it can be felt infinitely.

Without trust, life is impossible. It takes artistry to build trust between spouses. We must care for the other’s needs, knowing that when things are good for my spouse, they are good for me as well. If I make concessions and do good deeds for my spouse, I oblige them to do the same for me. When transgressions arise, we must talk with an open heart about our love for our spouse and focus on our common intention to build a good life together, starting anew from a clean slate. We need to reach a state where we don’t lie to each other whatsoever. If we were hurt by our partner, we can tell him or her that we were hurt and learn together how to improve. I should give an example of relating with an open heart and see what comes from the other as something good. Although we may have passed through difficulties, we want to build good and proper relations and have a good life together.

Love without any conditions destroys a child. The child comes to feel that the world will give him or her everything without having to do anything in return. Instead, a child should come to know that an appropriate response is expected from them: a thank you, a kiss, or an effort to help out. A child needs to be willing to take part in the family. A common mistake is to do for our children what they could be doing for themselves. We should compliment children for their efforts rather than for their natural talents or qualities. We should teach children to acknowledge what has been given to them by contributing in turn to others’ benefit. Constructive love draws an appropriate response from the child, while destructive love doesn’t take the child’s actions into account. The goal is to educate children so that they know how to receive and how to give in a balanced manner.